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    « She asks, he pays? | Main | I'm hooked on a feeling »

    Feeling Left Out

    Dear Lennie, I've been dating a guy for four months, after being just friends for two years, and things have become serious (and wonderful!) quickly. I have young kids and he has adult kids from previous marriages. Although he's become close to my kids and they are building a great relationship, I have yet to meet his (adult) kids. When one of his daughters graduated from college recently, I was not invited because "it would have been awkward" for his kids and ex-wife. I've been having my own pity party ever since and am feeling not only left out, but also wondering if he really means it when he says he loves me. What's your take on his avoidance of introducing me to his kids and should I bring it up with him or just stop being a big baby about it?

    Dear Left Out, I do not feel that his not introducing you to his children is a reflection of not loving you. I'm sure he's just looking for the right time and place. Even though you introduced him to your children, he may have other concerns. Little kids are a lot less judgmental about newcomers than adult children. And, it's also harder for a mother of young children to avoid introducing children to a man she's dating, because of bed times, sitters, etc... it's just bound to happen that your children would be introduced first. Inviting you to a college graduation would not be the appropriate time to introduce you, and I'm sure he probably felt that he was doing you a favor by not introducing you during a personal event like that. Graduations tend to be for family and close relatives, not for new girlfriends who have not met the children. I would think that would be an "awkward" event for you to attend, having never met any of them before. He may have had issues introducing his children to previous girlfriends and may be sparing both you and him from a lot of grief by waiting until he feels that he's ready to make a lifetime commitment to you. Further, by involving the children, he will effectively involve the ex-wife and he may be trying to avoid some drama there. My feeling is that everything is good, that there is no reason for concern, and he's just going at his pace... enjoying the honeymoon period for a while before introducing the complications of his family. I would say end the pity-party, relax and don't pressure him to meet his children. It will happen when he's ready. 

    I hope you find this advice helpful.  Good luck, deep breaths... just let it happen and don't worry about the future. Enjoy the moment. That's likely all he's trying to do :)

    Reader Comments (4)

    Agree with you Lennie. Doesn't mean he doesn't love her. Just sparing each of them unnecessary drama etc... My kids (20s) didn't take well to the new man in my life. Major drama.

    Fantastic response, I agree 100%! It's hard to get perspective when it's happening to you...but much needed. The introduction of children of any age is very personal to every parent, with their own timing and considerations. Typically it has nothing to do with the person they're involved with, it has everything to do with the children themselves. Great post...thanks for sharing!

    May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarrie

    Drop the pity-party! Your boyfriend's kid's graduation is for their mom and dad and isn't the appropriate place to meet dad's girlfriend for the first time. You have plenty of time to be included in family gatherings in the future. In the meantime, choose a night without any special family milestones going on and have an informal gathering to meet his family.

    May 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDate Dish Blog

    Thanks for your comments Dirty in Public and Date Dish Blog. Seems we are all in agreement about this.

    June 1, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

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