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    « Shape up! | Main | In hot pursuit »
    Sunday
    Jun192011

    Why is she unwilling to commit?

    Dear Lennie, I’m dating a girl, but she won’t commit to a relationship. Why?

    Dear Dating, define relationship, would be my first comment. If you mean she won’t have sex with you, that’s one thing. That mean’s she likes you, she’s very interested and she doesn’t want to have sex too soon for fear that you will just see her as a fuck buddy. Or, it means she sees you only as a friend and has no interest in ever having sex with you. In which case, I have news for you: you’re not dating. If you mean, she won’t get serious as in talk about the future—marriage, children, and a life together—I hate to break it to you, but this means that she is not convinced you are the man for her. Maybe she can’t see herself having children with you, maybe she doesn’t feel financially secure enough in the relationship—envisioning herself having children, losing her salary for a period of time, if not indefinitely—and worries that you don’t earn enough to put the kids through college, etc. One way to find out if she’s serious is to pull out a ring and propose to her. 

    Reader Comments (2)

    I have a slightly different perspective: She won't commit because HE's the fuck buddy and he's not the only one. What was that saying, "Why buy the cow?" Friend, I mean no disrespect to you...I don't know you, but I know this. I'm guessing you wine and dine her to death and espouse your everlasting love for her, blah,blah, blah. Dude, she's a girl who just wants to have fun. Nothing wrong with that. It's only wrong if it's not right for you! If that's the case, move on, 'cause you're the one being milked..she's not being honest. Tell her you're gonna start dating other women. When you see that look of relief in her eye instead of tears, you'll know...you're just a fuck buddy.

    June 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterK.p.

    I agree with all Lennie has said here.
    I would only add that some women and I would include myself in this category think in more male terms about commitment than female ones. I've never been married and I"m a few years older than Lennie and I truly, truly love my boyfriend. I love being with him, we laugh, have fun, never fight. He's a wonderful man. But I have no intention of relinquishing my apartment and moving in to his condo though I have not slept in my place in 2 months for one night and before that another 2 months.

    If you are of child-rearing or child-bearing age, and she is as well, this is a whole other ballgame about which I can offer no useful counsel. But I TOTALLY agree with Lennie. I don't want kids but I would not ever marry and have children with a man (assuming at 39 it's possible) who could not pay to educate my children in what I would consider a proper manner. I am fortunate to have modest financial security--no home I own, no crazy shoes and clothes and bags, extremely frugal and conscious of funds and I do NOT need the big house in Brentwood or even the nice condo--however I would NOT EVER marry a man and have kids if I thought paying for college would be a problem.

    So it's hard to give you input without more information. I would say that if she doesn't want to be exclusive--i.e. still wants to sleep with others--she is ambivalent about you. If she doesn't want to give up her apartment, I do not necessarily think that's a big thing. And if she doesn't want to marry you if you take Lennie's advice, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But it probably means she doesn't want to go beyond a kind of de facto co-habitation situation such I currently have. I sleep here 20 nights a month, then in LA with parents about 10, sometimes only 7.

    If you KNOW you want marriage and you're 35ish.... then I think you have to be honest with yourself. If you're just 30 or 25, then just have fun, enjoy your relationship if that is indeed what you have with this women.

    June 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commentervictoria ordin

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