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Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    Snooping Through The Phone

    Lennie, My boyfriend is having intimate conversations with a woman that he works with. I discovered it by...unsavory means. I went through his phone. We've had fights about trust and privacy before, and both agreed never to 'snoop' through each other's emails and phones. However, I have suspected he feels something for this woman for a while now, and was too tempted when he left his phone out on the table. What do I do? I want to scream at him about his 'textual' tone, but I think he'll be just as livid with me.

    Dear Snoopy, the fact that you distrust your boyfriend and feel a need to spy on him says it all. Either he is not trustworthy, or you have trust issues, or both. Once that level of trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back. Once a snoop, always a snoop. Now that you found something, you will always be tempted to look again. I think you should work on your trust and self-esteem, and make sure that this boyfriend is someone you can trust and stay with for the long run. Maybe there is some incident in your past that is preventing you from trusting.

    In regard to discussing your feelings about what you read, that's a time bomb. If you address it, he will know that you spied on him and then he will not trust you. You see how this works?

    If you can address your concerns about the woman from work in another way, perhaps if he mentions her, and you can truly say "you know, you always sound different when you talk about her. Do you have a crush on her? Should I be worried?" But, you know, that you are never going to have a satisfactory answer.  The flirting he may have done may have been innocent with no intent on follow through, but you may never be able to believe that even if he admits to you that it's just innocent flirting. 

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