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Lennie's bookshelf: read

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    If you have a question about dating, please email me through the form on this website (you may do so anonymously) or contact me by direct message on Facebook and I will do my best to answer your question. Responses are posted every Sunday morning.

    Please check out my Sex and the City style novel Blow Me—available now in e-book and paperback on my website and lulu.com. Also available in ebook on amazon.com and Google books.

     

    Sunday
    May292011

    Feeling Left Out

    Dear Lennie, I've been dating a guy for four months, after being just friends for two years, and things have become serious (and wonderful!) quickly. I have young kids and he has adult kids from previous marriages. Although he's become close to my kids and they are building a great relationship, I have yet to meet his (adult) kids. When one of his daughters graduated from college recently, I was not invited because "it would have been awkward" for his kids and ex-wife. I've been having my own pity party ever since and am feeling not only left out, but also wondering if he really means it when he says he loves me. What's your take on his avoidance of introducing me to his kids and should I bring it up with him or just stop being a big baby about it?

    Dear Left Out, I do not feel that his not introducing you to his children is a reflection of not loving you. I'm sure he's just looking for the right time and place. Even though you introduced him to your children, he may have other concerns. Little kids are a lot less judgmental about newcomers than adult children. And, it's also harder for a mother of young children to avoid introducing children to a man she's dating, because of bed times, sitters, etc... it's just bound to happen that your children would be introduced first. Inviting you to a college graduation would not be the appropriate time to introduce you, and I'm sure he probably felt that he was doing you a favor by not introducing you during a personal event like that. Graduations tend to be for family and close relatives, not for new girlfriends who have not met the children. I would think that would be an "awkward" event for you to attend, having never met any of them before. He may have had issues introducing his children to previous girlfriends and may be sparing both you and him from a lot of grief by waiting until he feels that he's ready to make a lifetime commitment to you. Further, by involving the children, he will effectively involve the ex-wife and he may be trying to avoid some drama there. My feeling is that everything is good, that there is no reason for concern, and he's just going at his pace... enjoying the honeymoon period for a while before introducing the complications of his family. I would say end the pity-party, relax and don't pressure him to meet his children. It will happen when he's ready. 

    I hope you find this advice helpful.  Good luck, deep breaths... just let it happen and don't worry about the future. Enjoy the moment. That's likely all he's trying to do :)

    Sunday
    May222011

    I'm hooked on a feeling

    Dear lennie, I've been dating this guy for almost a year and he controls me. I'm hooked on a feeling that he's cheating on me. He talks to all these girls. He said he isn't cheating on me and says he cares about me and I'm in his heart...I really love him but I don't want to get hurt...what should I do?

    Dear Hooked On A Feeling,

    First off, a man should never control a woman. There is a saying, "if you love someone set them free, if they come back to you they're yours." While I don't know specifically in what way he controls you, a man should never make a woman feel like she has a muzzle or leash on her. Love is not about control, it's about freedom. I would say trust your instinct when it comes to cheating and betrayal. While he may not be cheating, if you are feeling controlled and you are that concerned about his behavior towards other women, then this does not sound like the right relationship for you. Find a less controlling man who you can trust, that way you'll protect yourself from getting hurt. With this guy you're currently seeing, it sounds like you are already hurt.

     

    Sunday
    May152011

    What To Wear?

    What do I wear on a first date with someone I met online? If we are just getting drinks/coffee, I don’t want to look like I’m trying to hard but at the same time, I want to look good. Any tips?

    Whether you met online or not, you should wear something attractive, well put together, and a little conservative on a first date. If it's coffee, I would not show up in your workout clothes. Wear a nice pair of jeans with a cute top. Nothing revealing. If it's drinks, the same attire will work. You should put in a little effort to show that you care about your looks, but don't go over the top with makeup or wear something too provocative. That will just send the wrong signals. If he likes you when you are looking simple and natural, he will love the glammed up, sex-kitten version too. Make sure he's worth the effort and someone you want to take to that more flirtatious level before sharing that side of your personality and sexuality.

     

    Sunday
    May082011

    Last Minute Cop Out

    Dear Lennie, should I be offended is a guy cancels plans last minute and doesn't apologize or give a reason?

    Offended? No. Extremely cautious? Yes. I am assuming he either cancelled by text or by voicemail, because you would have had an opportunity to ask him why if you actually spoke to him on the phone. While you could ask 'why' in a text, you're more likely to just say 'no prob' or something benign and non-confrontational like that. If he did not offer up a reason and apologize, I would not contact him whatsoever. Wait for him to contact you. If he does not contact you within 48 hours, assume he never will and that he was wimping out. Clearly he doesn't value you. If he contacts you later than that, it had better be a death in the family (heaven forbid) that stopped him from contacting you sooner. There is no reason for that kind of flaky behavior. And, if he's going to be that flaky and disrespectful before you even start dating, why would you want to date him?

    Sunday
    May012011

    Get Over It?!?

    Dear Lennie: About 5 months ago my boyfriend of 5.5 years and I broke up on very bad terms (he cheated, we dont talk AT ALL anymore). How do I get over him? Its been a few months but I still get sad sometimes when I look at pictures of us and think about him. I just need to get over him but I'm not sure how...im only 20 but I feel like I wont be able to trust any guy anymore. Help?

    Dear Cheated, there is nothing harder than getting over someone. I cannot propose any quick fix that will take the loneliness away. But, you must remember why you broke up. He violated your trust! Here's what I would suggest. Take all the photos, burn them on to a DVD, put them in a box if they're hard copies, and mail them to yourself care of a friend. Delete his number, email address, etc... if you want them for safe keeping incase you want to reach out in the future, then stick them in the box as well. Tell your friend to keep the box for you for a year and not to give it back to you until a year from the post marked date. That way you will not be tempted to fawn over the good memories.  You are only 20 years old. This was your first love and it was a long one, and I do not mean to discredit it in any way. It was important. Necessary. But you are just becoming a woman, you have so much to learn about the world and yourself, and you will look back on this in years to come, you will still remember the good times, but trust me when I say you will look back and know that he was not your destiny. And, if he is your destiny, several years from now, the universe will bring you together. But assume that's not the case. Move forward, keep yourself busy, hang out with friends, date... have fun. Focus on your life, your career, and the right relationship will come.  Email me in a year. I want to know how you feel then! Big hugs. I was in your shoes once. Head over heels with my first love. Now I know it never would have worked... he was far too boring for me. And I've become more woman than he could ever handle. You are young and have your life ahead of you. Go live it! As for trusting other men... that will take time, and you will learn so much as you grow as a woman.