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Lennie's bookshelf: read

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    If you have a question about dating, please email me through the form on this website (you may do so anonymously) or contact me by direct message on Facebook and I will do my best to answer your question. Responses are posted every Sunday morning.

    Please check out my Sex and the City style novel Blow Me—available now in e-book and paperback on my website and lulu.com. Also available in ebook on amazon.com and Google books.



    To Text Or Not To Text, That Is The Question.

    Dear Lennie, Is it okay to text a guy within an hour or two after a date to thank him and tell him you had a good time, or is that being too forward? What is proper etiquette?

    Dear Miss Manners. Glad you have some and that you are asking this question. Yes, it is okay to text a man after a date to say thank you. But I would wait at least till you got home, took off your make up, and walked your dog or played with your cats, whatever the case may be. What I mean is, wait an hour. And when you do text him, keep it simple and not too emotional. Something like It was nice to meet you. I had a great time. Thanks for dinner. Do not confess your undying love for him, do not ask him on a second date by saying I hope to see you soon, and do not say anything sexual. If he texts back right away. You are allowed (by Lennie's Laws of Etiquette) to text back one more time. Then let it be. You don't want to appear too eager, too clingy, or too desperate. Guys like a chase, so let him chase you. The other option is not to text, and to call him the next day and leave a message... of course, he should be calling you to do that, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to wait for him to make the first move and thank him for the date at that point. 


    Getting To "No" You

    Whenever I go on a first date, the guy always asks me on a second date. It's so rare I want to go on a second date with anyone, but it's so awkward for me to say no. How do you tell someone you’re not interested?

    Dear Not Interested,  I know the feeling. Men need to learn that they should not ask a woman for a second date at the end of the first date. Or, God forbid, in the middle of the first date. Then what? Do you say 'yes' when you mean 'no' so you can finish your steak, or do you get up and leave before dessert? Learning to say 'no' is a common problem among women, because we are raised to be pleasers and to seek the approval of men. If a man is so crass as to ask you on a second date while still on the first date and you're not interested, you should not hesitate in saying 'no'. Just say you're not feeling the chemistry you need to feel to pursue things further and thank him for the evening. Men look at everything in business terms. He's looking to close the sale by asking for another date. If you give him a mixed signal by being polite and saying anything other than 'no' you will have a harder time saying 'no' the next time he asks for something. Be firm. Men are big boys. They can handle it. And if you're never going to see him again, what do you care what he thinks of you!


    First Impressions

    Lennie. I keep meeting really nice guys with good jobs who I’m not immediately attracted to. How many dates should I give them before I move on? 

    Dear Not Immediately Attracted, the fact that you are not immediately attracted says it all. Relationships are about chemistry, whether they are business relationships, friendships or romantic relationships. To put it in Facebook terms, we tend to either "like" or "unlike" like someone immediately. Our first impressions are rarely wrong. If we like someone, the feeling can flatline at a basic like/warm-fuzzy level or it can flourish over time into something greater such as a BFF or a LOML. If your immediate response is negative, the chances are it's not going to magically flip to positive after the second or third date, and you are more likely to get mad or frustrated with yourself for devoting your valuable time to giving someone more chances than they deserve. Dating is like auditioning. You know the minute the actor walks in the room if he's right for the part. If he's not right, no matter how good his audition, he's not going to land the part - or in this case, your heart.


    More Sex, Please

    Lennie, my boyfriend was on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds and never wanted to have sex. Now, he's off them and is always tired and still never wants sex. What can I do? I am starved for sex.

    Dear Sex-Starved, anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds can repress one's libido. But, not taking them can cause a similar reaction. It's a double-edged sword. it's not so much what you can do, but what he can do. I am not a doctor or licensed therapist, so he should definitely consult his physicians about one idea that might help: working out regularly. Increasing his endorphins will elevate his mood and provide him with more energy. Hopefully, this boost in energy will manifest itself in a desire for more sex. The key to this solution is regular/daily workouts to keep those endorphins charged. Check out WebMD for more information on endorphins and exercise.


    Mad Woman

    I recently took a job out of town (400 miles) and have maintained a relationship with my girlfriend. We talk several hours a day. Lately on my visits, she gets angry as my departure nears. Eg: after a romantic weekend in Santa Barbara, we decided to stop by the artisan booths on East beach and found a craftslady who made beautiful glass kaleidoscopes. My girlfriend picked one up and didn't understand how to use it. The vendor tried to show her and she got frustrated and stormed off.  She said the owner had snatched it from her, was disrespectful to her and that I didn't do anything so I was not being loyal to her. My jaw dropped. She has criticized me other time that I'm not rallying to her defense, such as when someone commented negatively about a photo of her on Facebook. Help me understand this Lady Angelino's mentality.

    Dear 400 miles, by the way you describe your girlfriend's behavior it sounds like she's more upset by the physical distance in your relationship than she is willing to admit (perhaps even to herself) and she is not managing her stress well. Her repeated criticisms that you are not rallying to her defense or being loyal is perhaps her way of trying to find fault in the relationship (or you specifically) to emotionally distance herself. While I believe in rallying to a woman's defense, these are not instances in which one rallies. It sounds to me like this long-distance relationship is not working for her, but she is not yet ready to admit it. Instead she is subconsciously pushing you away through her behavior and criticisms. You may be in for more rocky terrain since she is not prepared to address the relationship status directly. It sounds to me like she may want to end things. That said, proceed cautiously and protect your heart.