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Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    If you have a question about dating, please email me through the form on this website (you may do so anonymously) or contact me by direct message on Facebook and I will do my best to answer your question. Responses are posted every Sunday morning.

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    Entries in Advice for Men (12)


    Feeling Cheated

    Lennie: I go on a lot of first dates and I'm always paying the bill. Rarely do these dates develop into anything more. Why does the guy always have to pay? It's like a rip off and it's not fair.

    Dear Not Fair, life is not a Disney movie. The fact that women make on average 30% less than men and are subject to sexual harassment and sexual discrimination is not fair either. Men pay for first dates (and generally for all dates), because it's proper dating etiquette. I'm assuming that when you say you feel "ripped off", it's because you have an expectation to get to the proverbial "third date" or beyond and are not getting any action. If you're not making it past the first date, perhaps you are asking out the wrong women or there's something about yourself that needs improvement to make them want to take things further. Maybe they are sensing your desire to get to hit a home-run. It's easy to blame others. Maybe it's time to take a long look in the mirror and see if your hair needs a trim or your attitude needs an adjustment. If you feel you cannot afford these dates, then suggest dates that have less impact on your bank account, such as going for coffee or going on a hike. Remember, you have to be wiling to play ball in order to hit one out of the park. 


    Mad Woman

    I recently took a job out of town (400 miles) and have maintained a relationship with my girlfriend. We talk several hours a day. Lately on my visits, she gets angry as my departure nears. Eg: after a romantic weekend in Santa Barbara, we decided to stop by the artisan booths on East beach and found a craftslady who made beautiful glass kaleidoscopes. My girlfriend picked one up and didn't understand how to use it. The vendor tried to show her and she got frustrated and stormed off.  She said the owner had snatched it from her, was disrespectful to her and that I didn't do anything so I was not being loyal to her. My jaw dropped. She has criticized me other time that I'm not rallying to her defense, such as when someone commented negatively about a photo of her on Facebook. Help me understand this Lady Angelino's mentality.

    Dear 400 miles, by the way you describe your girlfriend's behavior it sounds like she's more upset by the physical distance in your relationship than she is willing to admit (perhaps even to herself) and she is not managing her stress well. Her repeated criticisms that you are not rallying to her defense or being loyal is perhaps her way of trying to find fault in the relationship (or you specifically) to emotionally distance herself. While I believe in rallying to a woman's defense, these are not instances in which one rallies. It sounds to me like this long-distance relationship is not working for her, but she is not yet ready to admit it. Instead she is subconsciously pushing you away through her behavior and criticisms. You may be in for more rocky terrain since she is not prepared to address the relationship status directly. It sounds to me like she may want to end things. That said, proceed cautiously and protect your heart.

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