Was I Too Harsh?

I've been casually dating a guy for 2 months. Everything was going well. We were getting to know each other and having a good time. He introduced me to his friends and family and said they all loved me! We had a date scheduled for a Friday night. The week before, he tells me that he likes me and wants to continuing seeing me. The night before the date he texts me saying he's looking forward to seeing me. Date night comes and about 15 mins before he is supposed to pick me up he texts me saying he is going to have to rain check our date because he has a flat tire. I was so upset and angry. I texted " Oh ok" and went out with a girlfriend. But first, I deleted and blocked him on facebook. At the end of the night, around 11:30pm, he texts saying he's sorry for cancelling and told me to let him know when he could make it up to me. I never wrote back, never heard from him again, and never contacted him again. What went wrong? I don't believe he had a flat tire. Should I have contacted him a few days later? Can you please explain this situation. Why would he blow me off like that? Was I a little too harsh deleting him and blocking him on facebook?

Dear Too Harsh:

First off, I do not believe it was a flat tire either. I think it was a case of a "better offer" which by 11:30pm turned out not to be a better offer and so he tried to do damage control. As for blocking him on Facebook immediately, yes that was rather quick and harsh, but I think your instinct was correct. The fact that he never contacted you again, asking/pleading for another chance, means he was not that interested and not worth the effort. Don't waste any more time on this. His behavior illustrates that he was not worthy of your attention or love. I commend you on your quick decision to go out with a girlfriend and make the most of your evening. Most women would have sat at home, texting and calling him to see if he got the tire fixed, if he might be able to meet later, etc... which is a recipe for disappointment, because as I said earlier, there was no "flat tire". He gets an "D-" for creative excuses. You are intuitive, smart and strong. You don't need my advice, just move on!

For love or money?

Lennie, I was married once to a man I loved. He turned out to be a deadbeat who suffered from depression and I basically supported him for a few years. Now I'm dating someone new who is very successful. It's only been six months, yet he's madly in love with me and wants to marry me. I'm not sure how I feel. I don't want to marry for money, but I also don't wind up with another deadbeat. 

Dear Love or Money:

I can see how you would not want to repeat the past. Not knowing your finances or age, it's difficult to advise you. Most women are looking for a man they can rely on, even if they have their own job and independence. This current man seems to be reliable, but if you're not in love it may be difficult to stay married. I know I couldn't do that. It may be that you're afraid to fall in love again, because of how deeply disappointed you were by the deadbeat. Proceed at your pace, and ask the new guy to slow down on the 'happily ever after' talk and give yourself a chance to feel. You never know, you could fall madly in love with this guy and have it all.

Looks aren't everything, or are they?

I have been hanging out with a really great girl who I would like to be just friends with, but its tough since we keep talking. Also talking to my ex who is visually everything I'm looking for. She is funny but really insecure and jealous. She also has nothing going on in her life, no hobbies or anything, so I find that there isn't a lot to talk about with her. All she really wants to do is shopping, gym. Although she is an amazing cook. The other girl is beautiful, with a ton of energy. She is very dynamic but in my opinion she is too popular. I say popular in a sense that she always has men after her and seems to slightly lead them on. Now I get to the shallow part. I know my ex will always look the way I want her to. The other, although she is fit now I know it wont stay like that very long. It probably shouldn't matter but to me it does. When it comes down to it I'm actually really thinking about the visual part more than anything and that seems horrible. What are your thoughts on this? I know, I'm being shallow.

Dear Shallow, we all know men are very visual creatures, but there are no guarantees anyone will stay the same....even you. Relationships should be founded on similar interests and values—not on how someone looks. Ultimately, you're going to do what you are going to do. Just don't go judging women who evaluate a man based on his finances when you are evaluating women based on their looks—double-standards—all the best with your decision.

Lennie

What is up with today's women?

Dear Lennie: My last relationship lasted 20 years. I'm now mid-40s and dating. Things are a lot different now then they were when i was young. Maybe it's the age of the women I'm dealing with, 35 to 45 years old. It seems they all have some kind of hatred towards men. Like everyone of then have been hurt and need to get revenge. Thoughts? T

Dear T

I hear this very often, and I think it relates directly to last week's post on dating at 40. I think women get so frustrated: they are exhausted by the fact that they have worked so hard on their careers, and perhaps didn't make time for a relationship, and those relationships they had didn't turn out so well. The pressures on women these days are intense, and I think sometimes they forget to stop and relax and just be women. We have the pressure of biological clocks, and not just in regard to babies, but I've heard of men looking at women in their 40s as only having a few good years left before they hit menopause. So panic sets in for women, and they are so busy rushing to the finish line of "finding Mr. Right" that they forget to stop and relax and enjoy the process.  It's also true that a lot of men treat women poorly (and the women allow themselves to be treated poorly, because somehow they grew up with low self esteem—been there myself). Many women in their late 30's early 40's feel like it's hopeless. It is important as a man to respect a woman's intentions—that is, if she is looking for a commitment, children, marriage, etc—not to waste her time. But, it's also important for women to lighten up in the process. I hope that makes some sense ;) My friend Hot Alpha Female has an interesting video blog on this subject:

Dating at 40

Lennie, I'm a woman in my early 40s and I haven't had a date in two and a half years. I don't even know where to start. Help.

Dear Two and a Half:  The older we get, the tougher it is to date for many reasons. We become more particular about what we are looking for, we have precious little free time to date, and we've had so many disappointments that we are easily discouraged and often skeptical from the onset. The most important thing is to stay positive, keep looking beautiful, and try to remain playful. Often when women get older, we know so definitively what we want that we forget that in order to get what we want we need to be coy. Particularly our generation, because we were told we could be "equal" and so we had to toughen up a bit so we could compete in a "man's world" so to speak...some men are threatened by that...so play more helpless even if you aren't. Men want to feel needed and useful. Online dating plays an important part in today's dating world, but much time is wasted communicating back and forth. If you are going to online date, try to set up a phone call and a date as quickly as possible. The best way to meet people is to get out in the world an stay off the web. Get out there and live your life and don't be afraid to approach men either.