First Impressions

Lennie. I keep meeting really nice guys with good jobs who I’m not immediately attracted to. How many dates should I give them before I move on? 

Dear Not Immediately Attracted, the fact that you are not immediately attracted says it all. Relationships are about chemistry, whether they are business relationships, friendships or romantic relationships. To put it in Facebook terms, we tend to either "like" or "unlike" like someone immediately. Our first impressions are rarely wrong. If we like someone, the feeling can flatline at a basic like/warm-fuzzy level or it can flourish over time into something greater such as a BFF or a LOML. If your immediate response is negative, the chances are it's not going to magically flip to positive after the second or third date, and you are more likely to get mad or frustrated with yourself for devoting your valuable time to giving someone more chances than they deserve. Dating is like auditioning. You know the minute the actor walks in the room if he's right for the part. If he's not right, no matter how good his audition, he's not going to land the part - or in this case, your heart.

More Sex, Please

Lennie, my boyfriend was on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds and never wanted to have sex. Now, he's off them and is always tired and still never wants sex. What can I do? I am starved for sex.

Dear Sex-Starved, anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds can repress one's libido. But, not taking them can cause a similar reaction. It's a double-edged sword. it's not so much what you can do, but what he can do. I am not a doctor or licensed therapist, so he should definitely consult his physicians about one idea that might help: working out regularly. Increasing his endorphins will elevate his mood and provide him with more energy. Hopefully, this boost in energy will manifest itself in a desire for more sex. The key to this solution is regular/daily workouts to keep those endorphins charged. Check out WebMD for more information on endorphins and exercise.

Mad Woman

I recently took a job out of town (400 miles) and have maintained a relationship with my girlfriend. We talk several hours a day. Lately on my visits, she gets angry as my departure nears. Eg: after a romantic weekend in Santa Barbara, we decided to stop by the artisan booths on East beach and found a craftslady who made beautiful glass kaleidoscopes. My girlfriend picked one up and didn't understand how to use it. The vendor tried to show her and she got frustrated and stormed off.  She said the owner had snatched it from her, was disrespectful to her and that I didn't do anything so I was not being loyal to her. My jaw dropped. She has criticized me other time that I'm not rallying to her defense, such as when someone commented negatively about a photo of her on Facebook. Help me understand this Lady Angelino's mentality.

Dear 400 miles, by the way you describe your girlfriend's behavior it sounds like she's more upset by the physical distance in your relationship than she is willing to admit (perhaps even to herself) and she is not managing her stress well. Her repeated criticisms that you are not rallying to her defense or being loyal is perhaps her way of trying to find fault in the relationship (or you specifically) to emotionally distance herself. While I believe in rallying to a woman's defense, these are not instances in which one rallies. It sounds to me like this long-distance relationship is not working for her, but she is not yet ready to admit it. Instead she is subconsciously pushing you away through her behavior and criticisms. You may be in for more rocky terrain since she is not prepared to address the relationship status directly. It sounds to me like she may want to end things. That said, proceed cautiously and protect your heart.