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    Entries in Dating Etiquette (5)


    Mr. Manners?!

    Lennie, my boyfriend totally lacks manners and I find it embarrassing. He never opens the car door for me, or the door to the restaurant. The other day we were at a party and he got a drink for himself and didn't even ask me if I wanted one. How can I change him? 

    Dear Ms. Manners, I can appreciate your situation. Women like to be treated like ladies, and expect men to be gentlemen. I think many men use the excuse of women's Lib having confused the situation. But, there is simply no excuse for a lack of manners. Manners are sexy. I think you should never open your car door. If this means that he drives off leaving you on the side of the road, and doesn't notice you're missing until he turns over in bed and tries to f*ck you, so be it. I'm sure you dote on him and make him feel special; it's only fair that he do the same in kind. Poor etiquette is a reflection on him not you, so you needn't feel embarrassed. However, I don't think you should stand for that behavior as it indicates that he does not respect and appreciate you.


    Was I Too Harsh?

    I've been casually dating a guy for 2 months. Everything was going well. We were getting to know each other and having a good time. He introduced me to his friends and family and said they all loved me! We had a date scheduled for a Friday night. The week before, he tells me that he likes me and wants to continuing seeing me. The night before the date he texts me saying he's looking forward to seeing me. Date night comes and about 15 mins before he is supposed to pick me up he texts me saying he is going to have to rain check our date because he has a flat tire. I was so upset and angry. I texted " Oh ok" and went out with a girlfriend. But first, I deleted and blocked him on facebook. At the end of the night, around 11:30pm, he texts saying he's sorry for cancelling and told me to let him know when he could make it up to me. I never wrote back, never heard from him again, and never contacted him again. What went wrong? I don't believe he had a flat tire. Should I have contacted him a few days later? Can you please explain this situation. Why would he blow me off like that? Was I a little too harsh deleting him and blocking him on facebook?

    Dear Too Harsh:

    First off, I do not believe it was a flat tire either. I think it was a case of a "better offer" which by 11:30pm turned out not to be a better offer and so he tried to do damage control. As for blocking him on Facebook immediately, yes that was rather quick and harsh, but I think your instinct was correct. The fact that he never contacted you again, asking/pleading for another chance, means he was not that interested and not worth the effort. Don't waste any more time on this. His behavior illustrates that he was not worthy of your attention or love. I commend you on your quick decision to go out with a girlfriend and make the most of your evening. Most women would have sat at home, texting and calling him to see if he got the tire fixed, if he might be able to meet later, etc... which is a recipe for disappointment, because as I said earlier, there was no "flat tire". He gets an "D-" for creative excuses. You are intuitive, smart and strong. You don't need my advice, just move on!



    She asks, he pays?

    If a girl asks me out on a date should I still pay?

    If this is the beginning of a relationship, and a woman asks you out, you’re obviously under no obligation to pick up the tab. However, you do want to leave a favorable impression. The reason she may have asked you out is because she is really interested in you and didn’t have the patience to wait for you to make the first move, or was concerned that maybe you wouldn’t. It’s amazing how passive men have become about asking women out. It’s as though they fear being shot down. That said, the polite thing to do is to offer to pay. However, if she insists on paying, then respect her choice. She may have her reasons—one of which could very well be she wants to control the pace of the relationship (ie: don’t expect to get laid any time soon).



    The Fake Wallet Draw

    Dear Lennie, At the end of a date, even if I am expecting the guy to pay, I feel like it's rude or presumptuous of me not to at least pretend to go for my wallet. What is the most graceful way to handle someone paying for you? Feeling guilty.

    Dear Guilty Girl: I don't recommend the fake wallet draw. He may take you up on it, and if you weren't actually intending to pay, you may be embarrassed if you don't have enough cash on hand. Furthermore, he may pick up on the fake draw and that's not going to impress him. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to dating and believe a man should ask a woman out and pay for the date. His manners and dating etiquette are an indication of how caring he will be as a partner. The most graceful way to handle someone paying for you is simply to say "Thank you" or, you can elaborate and say "Thank you, I had a lovely evening." If you are uncomfortable having a man pay for you, you need to examine why. It could be a lack of self-respect or self-worth that you don't feel deserving of being treated well, or it could be that you feel an obligation to take things further. Make no mistake: Your only obligation is to act like a lady. If you act like a lady, you deserved to be treated like one too. 


    To Text Or Not To Text, That Is The Question.

    Dear Lennie, Is it okay to text a guy within an hour or two after a date to thank him and tell him you had a good time, or is that being too forward? What is proper etiquette?

    Dear Miss Manners. Glad you have some and that you are asking this question. Yes, it is okay to text a man after a date to say thank you. But I would wait at least till you got home, took off your make up, and walked your dog or played with your cats, whatever the case may be. What I mean is, wait an hour. And when you do text him, keep it simple and not too emotional. Something like It was nice to meet you. I had a great time. Thanks for dinner. Do not confess your undying love for him, do not ask him on a second date by saying I hope to see you soon, and do not say anything sexual. If he texts back right away. You are allowed (by Lennie's Laws of Etiquette) to text back one more time. Then let it be. You don't want to appear too eager, too clingy, or too desperate. Guys like a chase, so let him chase you. The other option is not to text, and to call him the next day and leave a message... of course, he should be calling you to do that, and it's perfectly acceptable for you to wait for him to make the first move and thank him for the date at that point.