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Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    If you have a question about dating, please email me through the form on this website (you may do so anonymously) or contact me by direct message on Facebook and I will do my best to answer your question. Responses are posted every Sunday morning.

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    Entries in Relationship Advice (8)


    My X Slept With My Friend!

    Dear Lennie, I recently broke up with a guy I'd been seeing for several months. He was crushed. He's constantly texting, wanting to see me, even though I told him not to contact me. The next thing I know, he sleeps with my best friend. Only, she didn't know it was him, because she only knew him by his nickname. You know like Jonathan vs Jack, Robert vs Bob, or Bill vs William, and she didn't know his last name. She thought the guy was acting kind of weird, and after it was too late, she pieced it together and called me immediately. The next time he texted, professing his live to me, I asked him if he'd slept with anyone since we broke up and he said 'no'. LIAR. I am not upset with my friend. I believe she didn't know, but I want to strangle him. 

    Dear Strangler,

    Wow. Well, that does deserve strangling, though I still say step away from the rope! Nothing good ever comes from any kind of vengeful act. This guy is childish, vindictive, and a bit of a sociopath. Clearly, he wanted to hurt you and get your attention. Not sure why he is now denying it. Perhaps, he regrets what he did, hopes you don't know and still wants a chance to reunite with you. This sends chills down my spine. It reminds me of an old movie called Sleeping With The Enemy. I say mark his number "do not reply"  and never respond to his texts, calls, or e-mails.  Consider yourself lucky to have learned this about him now, and not years later after you're married to him and have children with him. Take the high road, walk away, and never look back.


    Snooping Through The Phone

    Lennie, My boyfriend is having intimate conversations with a woman that he works with. I discovered it by...unsavory means. I went through his phone. We've had fights about trust and privacy before, and both agreed never to 'snoop' through each other's emails and phones. However, I have suspected he feels something for this woman for a while now, and was too tempted when he left his phone out on the table. What do I do? I want to scream at him about his 'textual' tone, but I think he'll be just as livid with me.

    Dear Snoopy, the fact that you distrust your boyfriend and feel a need to spy on him says it all. Either he is not trustworthy, or you have trust issues, or both. Once that level of trust is gone, it's almost impossible to get it back. Once a snoop, always a snoop. Now that you found something, you will always be tempted to look again. I think you should work on your trust and self-esteem, and make sure that this boyfriend is someone you can trust and stay with for the long run. Maybe there is some incident in your past that is preventing you from trusting.

    In regard to discussing your feelings about what you read, that's a time bomb. If you address it, he will know that you spied on him and then he will not trust you. You see how this works?

    If you can address your concerns about the woman from work in another way, perhaps if he mentions her, and you can truly say "you know, you always sound different when you talk about her. Do you have a crush on her? Should I be worried?" But, you know, that you are never going to have a satisfactory answer.  The flirting he may have done may have been innocent with no intent on follow through, but you may never be able to believe that even if he admits to you that it's just innocent flirting. 


    Not Enough Woman For Him?

    Lennie, my boyfriend is always watching porn. He goes online in the middle of the night and watches it. I know, because I've checked the history on his computer. What does this mean? We have sex regularly, at least once a day. Is this not enough? Am I not enough woman for him? It makes me feel really sad. I don't like that he's cheating on me with the computer. How do I make him stop? Sincerely, a beautiful girl.

    Dear beautiful girl, men enjoy a variety of visual stimuli. It used to be that men's magazines were the main form of stimuli, but now the Internet has changed that and made access to photographs, video and chat rooms very easy. The fact that he's looking at porn does not mean you are not enough woman for him. It means either of 2 things: he has difficulties relaxing and sleeping, and uses self–release as a way to relax; or, he may have a sexual addiction/obsessive–compulsive disorder. If you have not actually caught him in the act, I don't suggest confronting him. He will be upset that you have been spying on him, which is not healthy behavior for any relationship. If you do catch him in the act, then I think it's fair to address. However, addressing your concerns may not result in a change of his behavior. It's important for you to realize that this has no reflection on you. He is suffering from “a kid in a candy store” syndrome: there is so much out there to look at, men find it difficult not to look. The good news is he is just looking and not resorting to actual physical interaction with another woman. With many men it's the fantasy component of being with another woman that turns them on. You could try to spice things up in the bedroom—maybe watch porn together or role-play and pretend you are another woman. In summary, it's not unhealthy behavior to look at porn unless it's an obsessive behavior. 

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