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Lennie's bookshelf: read

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct Blow Me Blow Me Half Broke Horses The Glass Castle Steve Jobs

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    If you have a question about dating, please email me through the form on this website (you may do so anonymously) or contact me by direct message on Facebook and I will do my best to answer your question. Responses are posted every Sunday morning.

    Please check out my Sex and the City style novel Blow Me—available now in e-book and paperback on my website and lulu.com. Also available in ebook on amazon.com and Google books.


    Entries in Sex Tips (2)


    Not Enough Woman For Him?

    Lennie, my boyfriend is always watching porn. He goes online in the middle of the night and watches it. I know, because I've checked the history on his computer. What does this mean? We have sex regularly, at least once a day. Is this not enough? Am I not enough woman for him? It makes me feel really sad. I don't like that he's cheating on me with the computer. How do I make him stop? Sincerely, a beautiful girl.

    Dear beautiful girl, men enjoy a variety of visual stimuli. It used to be that men's magazines were the main form of stimuli, but now the Internet has changed that and made access to photographs, video and chat rooms very easy. The fact that he's looking at porn does not mean you are not enough woman for him. It means either of 2 things: he has difficulties relaxing and sleeping, and uses self–release as a way to relax; or, he may have a sexual addiction/obsessive–compulsive disorder. If you have not actually caught him in the act, I don't suggest confronting him. He will be upset that you have been spying on him, which is not healthy behavior for any relationship. If you do catch him in the act, then I think it's fair to address. However, addressing your concerns may not result in a change of his behavior. It's important for you to realize that this has no reflection on you. He is suffering from “a kid in a candy store” syndrome: there is so much out there to look at, men find it difficult not to look. The good news is he is just looking and not resorting to actual physical interaction with another woman. With many men it's the fantasy component of being with another woman that turns them on. You could try to spice things up in the bedroom—maybe watch porn together or role-play and pretend you are another woman. In summary, it's not unhealthy behavior to look at porn unless it's an obsessive behavior. 


    Why is she unwilling to commit?

    Dear Lennie, I’m dating a girl, but she won’t commit to a relationship. Why?

    Dear Dating, define relationship, would be my first comment. If you mean she won’t have sex with you, that’s one thing. That mean’s she likes you, she’s very interested and she doesn’t want to have sex too soon for fear that you will just see her as a fuck buddy. Or, it means she sees you only as a friend and has no interest in ever having sex with you. In which case, I have news for you: you’re not dating. If you mean, she won’t get serious as in talk about the future—marriage, children, and a life together—I hate to break it to you, but this means that she is not convinced you are the man for her. Maybe she can’t see herself having children with you, maybe she doesn’t feel financially secure enough in the relationship—envisioning herself having children, losing her salary for a period of time, if not indefinitely—and worries that you don’t earn enough to put the kids through college, etc. One way to find out if she’s serious is to pull out a ring and propose to her.