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One of the many “personalized” dating services I belong to recently introduced me to a man who owns a well-known luxury resort and spa in Northern California’s wine country. That sounded promising – until I actually spoke with him.  He had an annoying, squeaky voice and was too busy laughing out loud at his endless lame jokes to listen to anything I had to say.  Clearly, his self-aggrandizing monologue was far more important than anything I could contribute to the conversation.  So, I sat back and listened to him brag about what great shape he was in and what a happy-go-lucky person he was.  He kept saying he was a really confident guy, a sure sign of being the exact opposite.  In Hamlet, Queen Gertrude says, “the lady doth protest too much,” which means overstating one’s attributes diminishes ones credibility. I wonder how confident he would be if someone told him he wasn’t laugh out loud funny. 

Mr. Confidence invited me to spend a weekend at his resort. He would fly me up, arrange for my accommodations, and since he was out to impress me with all his trappings, throw a spa day into the mix.  After receiving a few more boastful calls, I decided to reply by text to avoid talking to him.  I was finding his über-positive, glass half full, I’m so funny personality irritating and was becoming less and less interested in meeting him.  Then, I received this text:

It’s gonna b gr8.  But any wkend is a gr8 wkend in wine country…ha ha!  U'll want 2 stay as long as u can...LOL ;-) 

It’s bad enough people use all sorts of not-so-short abbreviations when texting, like gr8 which only saves two letters and a millisecond of time, but isn’t it up to the recipient to decide whether or not a text is “laugh out loud” funny?

He continued:  Do u ever call sum1… and talk on the phone, or do 1’s and 0’s do it 4 u?  lol…

1’s and 0’s? As far as I know, I wasn’t using the binary numeral system; I was simply texting. Sure the binary system is used by all modern computers, a cell phone being a computer, but is that really laugh out loud funny? I’m sure as hell not ROTFLMAO. Rule #567 about texting: never author a joke and follow it with LOL. That is the equivalent of a sitcom writing indicating in parentheses (applause) or (laughter), and unless you are a sitcom writer, you shouldn’t be cueing your audience.

Don’t forget 2 bring ur bathing suit, he texted.  I’m sure u don’t go anywhere w/o one.  LOL 

There it was again, the dreaded LOL (groan).  It was October, and I wondered where I was expected to go swimming.  Awesum hot tubs @ the resort, he continued, clearly wanting to get me as near to naked as possible on our first date weekend. It was about then that I decided to cancel our little rendezvous, blaming it on my hectic schedule when in fact, I just felt zero connection and knew meeting him would be a big waste of time. I could buy my own spa weekend, thank you very much!  I desperately wanted to cancel by text to eschew confrontation – and the sound of his grating, arrogant voice – but being a stickler for proper etiquette, I called him.  Thank God, I got his voicemail and was able to take the easy way out.  Moments later, I received a barrage of nasty texts in full, unabbreviated sentences. Apparently, he could write a proper English sentence when provoked. His attack included reference to my age, my being single and my having an over-inflated self-image.  I wonder if Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” was also playing on the stereo where he was at the time. I should introduce him to Skip; they’d make a great pair.  Seems to be a theme that these ersatz confident men are threatened by confident women. Clearly, the confident man scenario was as thin as the veneers on his teeth.  It’s a good thing I have a “personalized” dating service working for me. I’d be hard-pressed to find a winner like this guy on my own.  


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Reader Comments (2)

Are you really being introduced to these men by an agency/service? Understandably it makes for great reading, but have you had more progress than is characterized here? Is this just the highlight reel? It seems you need someone with some teeth left for life, not dentures. Someone who can parry and thrust with you in conversation. I can't imagine trying to interest a woman with adolescent text jargon and LOLs. But then again I'm not some geriatric nerd trying to impress a woman with a hot tub and a free robe with my initials on it.

I agree this town is overrun with posers, wannabes, and has beens, but cannot imagine the only candidates being offered by this service are all overpriced hollow chocolate bunnies from last Easter.

(I was going to say hollow chocolate vol, but I'm still retching from the rodent reference and eulogy about sex).

December 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVin Lee

So, perhaps this guy is just nervous. (Man, I'm being too kind!) But, I remain frightened by anyone who types LOL more than once a month. It's not just that their sense of humor is so out-of-sync/whack with mine, but that we have to call into question that this person would ever recognize something that's actually funny. If all the world is already a joke to him...?

Like your attention to detail here: "only saves two letters and a millisecond of time".

Nothing says Run for the Hills, like this quote, "Don’t forget 2 bring ur bathing suit... I’m sure u don’t go anywhere w/o one. LOL "

Btw, (allowed acronym, please?) - you've reminded of a grandiose software project idea I had 25-30 years ago. No one has done it still...and I promised myself...perhaps the time is now. Thanks for accidentally getting me back to it.

December 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKing Krak, Oenomancer

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