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« Drugs, Alcohol and Porn Stars, Oh My... | Main | LOL… WTF?!? »

Hands Up, Baby, Hands up…

Gimme your heart, gimme, gimme...(sound of record scratching). Here’s a fun fact for you: straight men have an unwritten rule that raising ones hands about ones shoulders is only permissible when shooting hoops or high-fiving someone on your team for scoring a point in any number of manly sports. However, dancing Club Med style or posing for a photograph with arms raised high is simply not appropriate hetero-male behavior.

Evidently, the man who sent me these photos either never got the memo on ‘hands up’ etiquette or seriously needs to reevaluate his sexuality. His image has been blacked out to spare him any more humiliation than he has already imposed upon himself by the taking and sharing of these photos. What are those poses, anyway? Showgirl 1 and Showgirl 3 from some topless dancing how-to manual in Las Vegas for Dummies? I’m particularly fond of the humming bird that has been photoshopped into the second shot. Everything about this man screams gay, from the spelling of his name to his shaved armpits – yes, shaved…unless he has some rare dermatological condition that renders his chest hairy but his underarms bald. This man believed we were soulmates because we both have cats. His are Siamese, which he spelled siamies – already a reason not to date him. I replied by politely saying I wasn’t feeling any chemistry, to which he responded as follows:

Someone like you, looking for someone with not only external, but internal depth and soul, should know that chemistry is not "felt" with just a picture. I bet you bucks that once you see me, you will melt. But, maybe you prefer to keep looking and looking, confused by all the choices, and, in the end, end up having looked forever and missing the right man. RECONSIDER and you will NOT BE SORRY.

Love love love,

(a very feminine name)

That sounds a little threatening to me…RECONSIDER and I will NOT BE SORRY. Does that mean if I don’t reconsider, I will be sorry? Should I be hiring a bodyguard? This hairy (except for the pits) Club Med enthusiast does look a little like a terrorist, but he also bears resemblance to PeeWee Herman – no offense to Paul Reubens, who is a fabulous actor. I particularly enjoyed his portrayal of Derek Foreal in the movie Blow. I’ll tell you one thing, it’ll be a warm day on the figure-skating rink before I go anywhere near this guy’s playhouse.

Shortly after receiving his first email, he sent me another:

Fate may have some things in store for us, through thick and thin, sky blue or black... but, some of it is up to us. Not all, I agree, but some. Simply walking away from what could be good is not who you are. You, I’M SURE, are not looking for serial dating. So here's a poem from me to you...And with that, ball's in your court.

Searching the heavens for you,

my one star

that shines in the darkest of the nights

with your blue radiating light

granting me an unflinching peace

and in return

receiving a reflection far brighter

and my adoring gaze upon your very soul

Yeesh! I can tell you one place, the balls aren’t. Poetry may be a lot of things, but it is not masculine and unless it’s a dirty limerick, it’s not likely to warm my heart. I’m sure some women disagree with my opinion and find poetry romantic.  God bless you if you’re into that kind of crap, but I think you’ll agree that poetry preempting a first date is a little creepy. This guy ain’t no Cyrano and there will be no e.e. cummings in his future. Forget the hands up, baby and man up, baby, man up! For the record, I have nothing against gay men, except when they think they are straight and try to hit on me.

Gentlemen, sometimes you just have to take “no” for an answer, so as not to humiliate yourself and end up the subject of one of my blogs. 


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Reader Comments (2)

Winning the game means keeping control of your balls.
"Balls in your court" translation: I've given you my best shot. So I hope you are swooning. Now chase me because I'm only willing to put forth the effort to copy and paste these forced unflinching phrases in my own serial dating.

If he spends your first date gazing adoringly at your sole, you may want to flag down some radiant blue and red lights.

December 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVin Lee

Oh, there will be no first date with this dude. I'll leave him for some other lucky lady.

December 6, 2010 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

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