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« Survivor: Los Angeles | Main | Pardon Me For Sticking My Tongue Down Your Throat »
Wednesday
Dec152010

Inactivated, Not Deleted.

Last night, I caught myself as I often do, thinking of a past love. We took “a break” to sort out some things in our lives, to decide if we were each willing to make the commitment and sacrifices needed to spend the rest of our lives together. Our relationship was such that if I cried, he hurt; if he hurt, I cried. When we touched, there was no separation between us. Like a warm bath so perfect in temperature, it was impossible to tell where my skin stopped and his began. 

I think about him often and he thinks about me, because we are intertwined in heart and head and thought. Our lives goes on. Together but apart. Apart but together. Our love never died. We severed it with a knife.  Like cutting an earthworm in half, now there are simply two of us – apart instead of together. Maybe one day we will be reunited. Maybe not. Probably not.

When I stumbled upon a blog entitled “So I inactivate you”, it brought tears to my eyes. I inactivated my love for someone. It has not been deleted. It is not dead. The embers are warm and need only a spark to be ignited again. I don't know if this entry will reach it’s intended audience. All I know, is that as effective as I can be with the written word, I could never express my feelings more eloquently than they were expressed by a stranger in this blog I share with you: "So I inactivate you".

 

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Reader Comments (3)

OMG now I'm crying. Hope you and your guy work it out.

December 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGirl Friday

Thank you for the link. Appropriate for my evening.

December 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVin

Inactivate is certainly a parallel that rings so true but I guess I was more successful than some in shutting down the emotions, probably too successful. I remember the extreme hollow feeling of nothingness I felt that day. The following 6 months of anguish and pain, the not knowing why or the futility of not being able to fix it. Over that period human nature kicked in, protecting myself from future hurt growing a stony layer around my heart. It worked, 2 years later I had no romantic feelings for her. The only problem was that since that day, I can't break the stone, I continue to protect myself from anyone reaching that vulnerable uncontrollable inner me. It has resulted in me accepting compromise in relationships. Safe instead of euphoria. So now I wrestle with something I have never been, I wrestle with a belated cowardliness. Trading off what might be and my dreams against an "almost" life, for the sake of the dreams and emotions of others. Inactivate is right, but don't let it become total emotional shut down.

December 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKiwi

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