Sadly, I’m a bit of an expert at online dating. Having navigated a variety of dating sites on and off over the past several years, I have seen everything – and I mean everything! Thanks for sharing, guys, but there are some things I’d rather you just leave to my imagination.
There are profiles that impress a woman and those that repel. To impress, your profile must stand apart from the others. It’s amazing how many guys put no effort into their profile. Hot tip: no effort into online profile translates for women to no effort into relationship. It’s a good idea to personalize your profile and not just check off the “likes” and “dislikes”. You don’t want to let your ‘lazy’ show. If you’re going to invest hours in surfing the sites looking for that special someone, start out by investing five minutes in writing something about yourself. Make sure it’s sincere, original and be sure to employ spell-check.
A word to the wise: serious online daters can see through the “long walks on the beach” bullshit. We know you’d rather be in a bar cheering for the Lakers than running your toes through the sand and looking for seashells. Don’t patronize us. And if you are a man who likes long walks on the beach and beautiful sunsets, perhaps it’s not a woman you are seeking.
From my experience and from talking with my girlfriends who have also done their time online, I’ve come up with the top seven online dating profile don’ts for men. Many of these also apply to women.
1. Don’t talk about sex or say you’re a great lover: Men want sex. Women want financial security. It’s a moot point and one that should not be addressed. And bragging about your bedroom skills? Ew, yuck, gross… We never want to hear a man brag about this, and if he does, he had better not disappoint!
2. Don’t talk about sunsets and walks on the beach: Ugh… although we may want to watch a sunset or walk on the beach when you take us to Tahiti or The Seychelles for our honeymoon, it makes you sound like a pandering pansy to say you like these things. Don’t patronize us. You’re a guy. You like sports, sex and cars. We get it.
3. Don’t say that you are funny and LOL at your own jokes: You are not funny if you need to indicate LOL each time you make a joke (see my previous blog LOL…WTF?!?) That’s like a kid looking for approval each time he potty-trains correctly. Unless you’re Dane Cook or Jerry Seinfeld, you are probably not funny. By saying you’re funny, you’re setting our expectations way high and are likely going to fail.
4. Don’t have a photo of you in front of a sports car: All that says is: I’m a loser with a small dick, but you will like me for my material possessions. Worse, is a photo of you with your shirt off in front of your car, which says: vain, self-absorbed loser with a small dick.
5. Don’t say you are looking for a woman who is emotionally stable: Really, you’re not looking for a bipolar Fatal Attraction nut bar whose going to boil your pet rabbit? Do you really think saying “no crazies please” is gonna keep the crazies away? If anything it makes you look a little crazy.
6. Don’t say you are looking for a hot woman who is in great shape: If you’re not a hot man in great shape, what makes you think you’re entitled to a woman with those qualities? It is no more okay for a man to say “I’m looking for a woman in great shape who loves sex with the right man” than it is for a woman to say “I’m looking for a rich man with a huge bank account who loves buying jewelry for the right woman”. Of course, both of those lines are employed all too frequently in the Los Angeles dating scene.
7. Don’t say you’re looking for an independent woman who is financially secure: If we were independent and financially secure, we would not be online dating. We would be at home with our diamond-encrusted vibrators watching hot lesbian chic porn by Andrew Blake. There is an expression about fast, good and cheap derived from an engineering Project Triangle. You can have any two, but all three are not feasible. With women, you may want financially secure, sexy, and a good mother. Pick two. You’ll be lucky to get one.
This is the best advice I have to offer. Take it or leave it. It’s cheap – whether it’s fast and cheap or good and cheap is for you to decide. Maybe it’s actually fast, good and cheap. I may have broken the triangle!