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« Salt of The Urth? | Main | My Date With Shrek »
Saturday
Jan082011

10 First-Date Don't's For Men

How many times have you gone on a date, assumed everything was going just great, and never gotten a second date? We know it happens, because we women make it happen. Women are really good at pretending we’re having a good time (it’s called being polite), when we’d really like to choke on a piece of steak and get rushed to the hospital than endure the rest of a bad date. 

Gentlemen, if you don’t know why you’re not getting a second date, here’s a list of “dating don’ts” that might help you figure out where you’re going wrong.

1. Expect Your Date To Pay For Half: Leave “going Dutch” to the Dutch. It does not fly in the United States. A gentleman always pays. If you don’t like this rule, consider a sex change or moving to Amsterdam - or both.

2. Complain About The Price Of The Meal: If you can’t afford the meal, you can’t afford the girl. If she chose the restaurant and it’s too expensive for your taste that tells you something about your compatibility.

3. Talk About Yourself Ad Nauseum: It’s rude and you’re not that interesting. You might want to hide that fact if you’re shooting for a second date. If you can't stop talking about yourself, why do you need company? You can entertain yourself.

4. Blatantly Lie About Sh*t: My date said he was producing a movie with George Clooney. Just so happens that night my BFF was in the back of a limo with Clooney and Brad Pitt on the way to a premiere. I was able to confirm that my date was a lying sack of shit.

5. Make Sexual Innuendos: We do not want to hear about your dick size, or lack thereof (especially lack thereof). Making sexual references does not get us aroused; it gets us annoyed.

6. Ask For A Second Date Before The First Date Is Over: How awkward would it be to hear a ‘no’ between the entrée and dessert. If your date is polite and she’s not interested, you will force her to lie. It’s not like she’s going to say “God no, this date has been brutal enough” then ask for a cappuccino.

7. Go For A Kiss On The First Date: She is not for hire. Don’t treat her as such. Unless she is on your lap, peppering you with kisses, do not kiss her. Not even a peck on the cheek. A hug is sufficient to say that you had a good time – and not so tight that she can feel the bulge in your pants. 

8. Post A Photo Of Your Date on Facebook: If you take a great picture of her ass while she’s heading to the ladies’ room that does not give you the right to post it on your Facebook page. 

9. Dish About Past Dates: Save that for your blog. Focus on the date you're currently on. There's no need to bring up just how good or bad your dates have been. It makes you look like a critical asshole, chronic dater and desperado. Even if you are those things, no need to broadcast it.

10. Text At The Table: Nothing says, “you’re not important” more than texting in the middle of a conversation.  If you simply must text your friend, tweet or update your Facebook page, then excuse yourself to the restroom and TWP (text while peeing), just make sure you don’t drop you phone in the urinal.

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Reader Comments (7)

TWP? Love it. Your blogs are brutal but funny. I'd hate to go on a date with you. My ego is too fragile.

January 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJack Be Nimble

Great stuff! Do people really post ass pictures on Facebook? That one made me laugh out loud.

January 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRonWied

Your sense of humor, insight into human behavior and use of analogies is without peer. You are too funny!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentersoldier

Hey, I pass all 10 of your "dont's," do I win a prize?

#10 is an absolute no-no. It is so Hollywood and so rude, regardless of the company or situation.

Love the blog, btw

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commentererkcyclisme

Thanks so much. You must be a real gentleman if you passed the test ;)

January 11, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

#2-9 are a given, to me.

"Expect"...often this is known before hand, is it not? That statement is both sexist and very black/white. But, to me, if not worked out before had, it would depend on a few things, such as 1) Who asked whom out. 2) Is one person wealthier than the other (and this is an expensive date/meal), 3) Ethics & Sexism. (Frankly, some women I know would never let the man pick up the check; at minimum, split it), and one that few consider: 4) What effort was made by each person for this date - did someone have to drive a zillion miles, did one person make a great/lengthy effort to look great for the date (and the other didn't), etc.

Or was the title of this post really meant to be: 10 First-Date Don’ts For Very Wealthy Men?

#4 - I just don't get this; I catch someone lying once about something to me and I immediately rerank them in my mind as a person of little value. Life's too short to converse with BSers.

January 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKing Krak, I Rule the Game

I'm not rich, but I am a gentleman and agree with Miss Ross, not King Krak-head. Gentlemen always pay. Gentlemen ask the lady out and do not wait for her to make the first move. And they never let a lady pay! Chivalry is not dead though you, Krak, appear to be trying to kill it single-handedly. This is not sexist. This is merely being well-mannered, which evidently you are not if you expect a woman to pay if she drives a lesser distance, makes more money, or asked you out. What entitled planet of male chauvinist assholes do you come from? She mentions that if you cannot afford the meal you probably cannot afford the girl. I happen to agree with that philosophy in all permutations. We attract and retain what we are and what we project. Perhaps the simple fact is that Miss Ross is out of your league. I doubt very much that bashing her every chance you get will win her respect or affection.

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNot Rich

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