I bet you think you talking about you...don't you... don't you... you're so vain... WRONG! I'm not talking about you men, for once, when I use the word dogs. Get over yourself!
Those of you who read my novel, BLOW ME, know all about Dog Boy. Those of you who haven't read my novel... shame on you. You're reading my blog every week for free and you can't scrape up $9.95 for a digital copy on Amazon? Seriously?
Anyway, back to Dog Boy, so as not to bore you folks who cannot be bothered to read the book. This character was based on a real person. He was not someone I dated, but someone a friend of mine dated. This man was so in love with his dogs there was no room left for a woman, especially in his bed. Picture this. Three large dogs, a man, a woman and a remote control all squished into a queen sized bed. Talk about a dog pile!
I thought this subject was just too important to ignore in my blog. Los Angeles is dog central and dog-centric. Almost everyone here has at least one dog. Why? It’s a dog friendly city, for starters. There are lots of great dog parks. It’s sunny and warm, which makes taking Rover for a walk much more enjoyable than, say, living in Portland, Oregon where it’s rainy and miserable most of the time. And, there are a lot of single people in Los Angeles who can’t afford children, but can afford a dog. So, why not get two, or three, or a baker’s dozen? You think I jest.
One of my top three dating rules is “No Dogs In The Bedroom.” Why? you ask again. It’s a total violation of privacy and it’s distracting. I used to have a cat that channeled Peter Sellers’ character in Being There. “I like to watch,” my cat would say with a meow as he stood on the bouncing bed, staring at me and my boyfriend du jour. While we might love Fluffy or Rover, neither dog nor cat belongs in the bedroom when we're being intimate. Pets are very territorial and can get jealous or want to play, too. Dogs may bark or growl. Cats might jump onto the bed and start walking around, as mine liked to do. I don’t know about you, but for me it’s hard to get aroused when a dog is staring at my genitals and barking like the postman is at the door. Let’s face it. We have enough distractions interfering with our sex lives. Why add our pets to the list?
Psychologists and social workers agree that pets are like surrogate children to single, childless women. With that in mind, I pose this question: Would you allow your children to watch you have sex? There will be plenty of time to snuggle with the pets after having sex, but allowing them front row seats to the main event might result in alienating your partner all together. Remember to shut the bedroom door and leave our four-legged friends outside.