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« Manscaping Part Two: Why Men Color Their Hair | Main | Manscaping Part 1: Wax On, Wax Off »
Saturday
Mar122011

The Expiration Date On Sperm... 

“Bachelor number one is a successful magazine tycoon who enjoys lounging poolside in silk robes, throwing lingerie parties for his friends and drinking a Viagra-laced fiber supplement for breakfast.” If The Dating Game were around today, Jim Lange might use that description to introduce Hugh Hefner. Sound appealing to a 24-year-old model? Apparently, yes.  

Hugh Hefner, the 85-year-old founder of Playboy magazine and America’s most infamous bachelor, has decided to tie the knot for the third – and reportedly last – time to Crystal Harris, a woman who is young enough to be his granddaughter. Last week Hef and his blushing bride set their wedding date as June 18, 2011. I’d be blushing too if I were engaged to an octogenarian.

A few years ago, I was working as a personal assistant to an exceedingly wealthy, highly eccentric 69-year-old man. When he fell head over heels in love with me, I quit my job. While I’ve always dated older men, I do have my limits and would never consider dating someone who is old enough to be my father. I guess I’m different from most women in Los Angeles in that I am neither desperate nor opportunistic. Maybe Crystal Harris doesn’t mind looking at Hef’s saggy ass as he heads to the bathroom for more Viagra and quite possibly a shot of human growth hormone, but I for one couldn’t stomach that. It makes me wonder just a wee bit about motive. Is she just another Anna Nicole Smith in pursuit of what she hopes will be an easy inheritance, playing the odds that Hef won’t live much longer? Does she think she can ride the white pony right into a lethal heart attack? 

Women who date younger men are labeled as Cougars or Jaguars and are viewed as being desperate and pathetic, but it’s all slaps on the back for men who rob the cradle. Is it a fear of mortality or the advent of Viagra that makes men think age doesn’t matter? Hefner is 60 years older than his fiancée. Whatever she is thinking, I hope she isn’t contemplating kids with the old geezer. Down Syndrome becomes a risk when a man reaches his mid fifties. God knows what ailments are brought on by an 85-year-old man’s sperm. Ew gross, 85-year-old man and sperm should not be in the same sentence. Who else is getting nauseous thinking about this? Message to Hef: Your account has been suspended. There shall be no more withdrawals permitted from this sperm bank!

While Hef’s young bride, who will be doing a pre-wedding shoot for Playboy’s June issue, is already shopping for wedding dresses, the rest of the world is wondering if this is just another Hollywood marriage designed to launch someone’s career to stardom or to keep certain sexual tendencies from question. Does America’s number one playboy have something to hide other than his Viagra prescription?

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Reader Comments (1)

I think it's repulsive that men in their 80s want to be with women who could be their grand daughters. It's like your Peter Pan blog. So bang on. Oooh, bang.. bad term! What is with these men? Is it the Viagra that makes them think they're invincible? They're OLD... deal with it! And the only thing that can be said for the 25 year olds that are with them? Aint nothing but a gold digger... pathetic.

April 3, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPark Avenue Princess

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