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This One's On Me

I read an article recently called There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch written by Simone Grant for Simply Solo which got me thinking about what men and women think about who pays for the date. I know what I think: the man pays. Why? Because while women are looking for men they can rely on, men are just looking to get laid. Controversial? You betcha! The truth often is. 

Whether emotional, financial, or a combination of both, women want the security of relationship. They want a man who is hard-working, goal oriented and reliable. Courtship, pursuit and romance are sexy and gentlemanly and instill confidence in a woman. When a man is courting a woman, he should demonstrate his ability to care for her. If he cannot or will not pay for dinner, he is not good relationship material.

Sure, there is an expectation of sex when a man goes on a date with a woman. But, there’s an expectation whether he pays for the meal or not. Men want sex. They want it as often as they can get it. For them, it’s a basic biological need like breathing or eating. It doesn’t need to have any meaning or emotion tied to it. In fact, they often prefer when it doesn’t. Psychology Today says that according the Kinsey Report 54 percent of men think about sex every day or several times a day. What you need to realize, ladies, is that you are ladies – not whores – and you do not owe him anything other than a thank you at the end of the evening.

I don’t care how great an evening, how expensive the meal, or how much the man does or doesn’t make. If he asks me on a date and gives me any indication that I should contribute to the bill, he will not get a second date and he will never get laid – at least not by me. He is already showing that he does not respect me. Why would he suddenly respect me after I have sex with him? The contrary is far more likely to occur. If a woman pays, she is telling the man she has low self-esteem, that she is not worth the effort (financial or otherwise), and that she is easy.

Forget how much your date earns and whether he can afford it or not. Ladies, have a little self-respect. Are you not worth a $5 latte, a $30 lunch or an $80 dinner? If you want to give your attention, your self-respect, your precious body, and your hard earned money to a man, go ahead and keep paying for your dates. The end result: he get will eventually get laid and you will get a sick feeling in your stomach the next day wondering why you tried so hard to get his attention when he never called or texted the day after, the week after, or – uh – ever. You’ll also end up paying for a lot of therapy.

As far as I’m concerned, there are only two occasions when a woman should pay for a date. The first is when she’s in a serious committed relationship (ie: there's a rock on her finger) and there is no longer an issue about what’s his and what’s hers. The second is when she is out with a male friend and wants to be very clear that under no circumstances whatsoever is he getting laid.

I am sorry to say this, gentlemen, but the truth often hurts: if you can’t afford the meal, then you probably can’t afford to be in a relationship. Perhaps you should re-evaluate your current career path.

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Reader Comments (10)

Lennie, you crack me up. I agree. Only low self-esteem stops a woman from allowing a man to pay. Like you said in your tweet the other day, when a man goes on a date, he wonders if he's gonna get laid. And a woman already knows! Ha. Too funny, girl. We know the minute we show up and he looks better or (usually) worse than his photo.

April 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

Thanks Anne. Appreciate your comments as always.

April 16, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Funny post. This is why it is so much easier to just wait a long time for sex, then it doesn't muddy things up.

April 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAshley

Thank you. I agree. Glad you are enjoying my blog.

April 18, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Hey Lennie,

Really interesting post. I do believe that there should be a level of equality in a man and woman relationships. Despite this I'm still an advocate of traditional dating styles. I think women are meant to be pursued. And, I believe that a man naturally wants to pursue. Part of going on a date and adhering to certain rules is part of that.

For me it's not so much about the money (ie the fact that the man can pay for the dinner) - it's about being able to receive as a woman. It's about being able to truly appreciate the man, too.

Great post =)

Hot Alpha Female

April 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHot Alpha Female

Hey Hot Alpha

I agree with you wholeheartedly. I am all for tradition and courtship.

Particularly about the pursuit. I dint know if it is the Hollywood vanity in this city, or what, but men here have forgotten their natural instinct to pursue.

I think part of the problem is the desperation and insecurity of the women here in Los Angeles. They throw themselves at the men, and give themselves over so easily. There is a user mentality here with the men, and a view that women are disposable. Same goes for NY an the Wall Street scene. Though this may be an international phenomenon.

Love the advice you offer men. Love to know what it's like down under in regard to behavior. Obviously your blog is well received so perhaps them men there still want to be men!


April 19, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Thanks so much for linking to my blog in this post! I have to say... I disagree with you on this. While I prefer a male to pay, mostly in the beginning of the relationship, I don't think that "If a woman pays, she is telling the man she has low self-esteem, that she is not worth the effort (financial or otherwise), and that she is easy" is true at all. Sometimes, women pay because they have high self esteem and they don't want to feel like they owe a man anything. I'm dating a guy now that doesn't make as much money as me, so as a man, he should just always pay? That doesn't make sense. I know he respects me, he treats me well and I him, but we take turns paying. Just because he's the man doesn't mean he always has to reach into his pocket. And I'm not engaged to him. It doesn't fell unnatural to me. I like Simone's rule of thumb - I ask, I pay. I ask him to go to my favorite restaurant, I know how much it costs, I pay. He asks me out, he pays. I think the first date is the only date that it really matters that much who pays, and then a man, just by tradition, should pay.

I say all this because of my last relationship, my ex ALWAYS paid. He made much more than me. And for seven years, I felt indebted to him. He took me on nice dinners, I felt like I owed him something. Not sex, but maybe something else. The balance of power ALWAYS swayed to his side. This was even at Christmas when he bought me better gifts than I could afford for him. So, I've had it both ways... and I like equality better. I don't owe him anything, he doesn't owe me anything. We take care of eachother. It 's a much more mutually beneficial relationship.

And it certainly doesn't me I have low self esteem or that he doesn't respect me. Or that I'm easy. We sleep with eachother because we like sleeping with eachother. Not because someone paid.

Anyway, good post, just wanted to get my piece out there :) Thanks for letting me know you linked to me! I always miss it when people do that, so it's nice to have a heads up!

April 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCatherine

Hi Catherine,

Well, I did write the blog to be controversial and I fully expect that not every man or woman will agree with my sentiments. But my experiences have been that in LA, most women have low self esteem, most women pay their share, most women think they have to put out if a man buys them dinner. I think that is a lethal combination and a key source for repeating that low self-esteem cycle. But then, I don't have a degree in psychology. Or, do I :)

My feeling in regard to your ex is that you should not have felt you owed him anything, because he happened to make more money and paid for things. And when you say you prefer a mutually beneficial relationship where "he doesn't owe you anything or you don't owe him anything", does your love, support, and everything else you brought to the 7 year relationship not equate with the meals and christmas gifts he bought you? Maybe you're not putting enough value in what you bring to a relationship. Maybe he was just trying to show you that he appreciated all he did for you. Men like to be providers, just like women like to be nurturers.

Regardless, we can agree to disagree on this subject. That's what makes life grand.

April 21, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

In our culture, I don't think I've ever heard of the guy not paying? Even if you don't follow the code of chivalry, for a guy not to pay, it is inherently recognized as a breach of good form, not male and in bad character.

June 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPeter Cargasacchi

Thank you, Peter! Please share your thoughts with other men. Evidently there is a new breed of man who expects to be treated like a lady! I prefer men who are like yourself - real

June 30, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

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