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« The Right Way To Hit On Women At The Gym | Main | 3 Reasons Women Should Initiate Sex »
Saturday
Jun042011

Ooh, Baby Baby...Baby Baby  

Salt and Pepa’s here, and we’re in effect. Want you to push it baby. Push it good.  P-Push it real good—as long as it’s not a baby stroller, you’re pushing.

Sandra Bullock kicked Jesse's ass to the curb when she caught him cheating with not one but several side dishes, and proceeded with her plans to adopt baby Louis anyway. This was initially a commitment she was going to make with her then husband.  Celebrity women such as Sandra Bullock and Madonna have oodles of dough and can afford to adopt. They can afford a nanny (or two) along with their bodyguards, personal assistants, and countless other staff. Brad and Angie have a basketball team of nannies for their Brady Bunch of six. For the average single woman, such as myself, adopting a child is a luxury one can ill-afford. 

Susan Spencer, author of Briefcase Essentials, states in her Huffington Post article The Mommy Trap that according to the Census Bureau's 2010 Population Survey, five million divorced, single-mother families live in the United States. Over half of these mothers receive no child support. Although greater than three-quarters of single-mothers work, they and millions of children as well, are living at or below the poverty level. A single-mother's money woes are actually a double whammy because she has to support herself and her children. Spencer refers to something she called The Jack and Jill Syndrome: Jack and Jill fell in love, got married, had kids and Jill quit her job to raise them. Then Jack left Jill, and Jill became a single mother with no savings, no child support, and no career and her life came tumbling after.

Men like Franklin Slocombe, contributor for The Urban Dater, says in his article The Kid Conundrum enough with the baby talk—unless it's in the bedroom and she's wearing a schoolgirl uniform and sucking a lollipop, or other hard candy, and recounting on what a bad girl she has been. According to Franklin and many men I have had the displeasure of dating, talking about babies, stopping to look in a stroller, or sighing when a woman and child pass by is inappropriate dating behavior.

Women just can't seem to catch a break. Now we can't even talk about marriage and children, because its too much pressure on men. Really? Try working, looking beautiful, working out, being sexy, making dinner, hiding our PMS from the world (because it's also unacceptable) and spending what little is left of our hard-earned money on lingerie, sex toys, makeup and bikini waxes so we can please our man—or even just compete to get the attention of a man. On the average woman’s salary, there will be nothing left to pay the rent, let alone raise kids and save for retirement. Oh, and don't forget the condoms we have to buy so the men in our lives cannot use the excuse of having run out—an excuse that we hear all too often. Do you think we're retarded as well as desperate? Try neither. The only thing we are desperate for is a decent man.

Those of us who don't have the luxury of being single baby mammas are racing against the biological clock to find a man who is not afraid of the "M" word (marriage) or the "B" word - and I don't mean bisexual. If we are up front about our wishes for the future, we are labeled pushy and desperate. If we don't mention it, we can waste precious time in the wrong relationship. We are damned either way. Someone needs to mature into a keeper, and it’s not us.

Maybe we all just need to be lesbians, to live with other women, have sex with each other (which is probably better anyway), save money by not trying to compete for the attention of a man, and have babies. Two baby momma’s have got to be better than one. And, we can have all the hot, slutty lesbian sex we want. And you men who cannot grow up and commit are not invited to the party. You can't even watch it on video.

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Reader Comments (17)

While I appreciate your position and agree with the statistics, personal experience tells me that the kind of generalizations you're making are unhealthy in dating.

I am of the opinion that most men would be open to starting or even inheriting a family if they found the right woman. Men don't care to hear about how many children you want to have, what their names will be or the color scheme you're going to use in the nursery on the first date any more than you want to hear all about their penis prowess, favorite positions or personal preference in lube flavor.

The subjects of children, family, and marriage have a proper time and place for discussion in the dating timeline just like sex does. This timeline may vary for each dater but if you bring it up 'too soon', you're sabotaging the fate of the date. A woman's focal point may very well be about getting married just as a man's may be about having 'great sex', but both need to pace themselves or the other is sure to be turned off from the very beginning.

The generalizations I am making come from personal experience, the experiences my girlfriends have had, statistics and research, so I'm not sure they are "generalizations". They may be unhealthy in dating, but they are also an unhealthy by-product of dating.

You would be surprised at how many men have a check list and a deal breakers list and how often "children" or "desire for children" is a deal breaker. Or they say to a woman in her late 30's yr that they are open to considering children in 3-5 years. Perhaps they should be dating children, so they have plenty of time to make a decision as to whether they want children.

Given you have children, you may be more open to children than a man who does not have children or has grown children. I agree that there is a time and a place to talk about children when dating and it's not the first date. However, I don't think there's ever a time to talk about your virility and penis prowess. I agree the subject of children, family and marriage does have a proper time and place as does sex... though many men are going for sex on the first date... or by the 3rd date at the latest. What's good for the gander is not good for the goose? We can't put marriage and kids on the table if you're putting sex on the table? Totally agreed that pacing is necessary. So to those men who are looking to score on the first, second or even 3rd date, put your penis back in your pants and have a little respect for the lady who may be looking for more than just fulfilling your sexual fantasies.

This is written from the women's perspective, and while I appreciate your comment I am very curious to hear what other women have to say! And men, of course. All comments are enjoyed.

June 4, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Hi Lennie!
I enjoy your writing and I'm happy to have connected with you.

As a divorced, single mom and first and foremost a woman, I can feel your pain. However, I think your pain and perspective help to perpetuate the problem.

You say women can't catch a break because we can't talk about marriage or children and because we're expected to spend our hard earned money on pedi's, mani's, and shaving and waxing so that we can have a fighting chance to land that man with all of the competition out there! Ugh! I would love to be a man in this world. There's such a strong sense of neediness in all of that.

What if we stopped all of the nonsense and we expressed ourselves authentically? What if we changed the rules of the game? Instead of allowing men to tell us what we can and cannot say or do or how we look on a date, we make the rules. Let's be honest! Women want families and they have a certain amount of time to have those families. So I say let's put it up front. Before even going out on a date what's wrong with saying "I don't do casual sex and I am looking for that incredible man that I want to marry and have children with. If that is not where you are then let's not waste our time".

Statistics show that married men are happier, healthier and they live longer. Let's stop competing for men. Our willingness to play their game puts them in power. I think it's time that we know and live our Brilliance and let him chase us. As long as we believe we have to be different that what we are to "land a guy" we will never recieve the love we are truly looking for.

So I invite you Lennie and all other single women to change the rules! Let men come to us. When we step out of the neediness and competing with women we will become irresistable in our authenticity.

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle Lee

Love the post!
Hell- to the-yea! I raised my daughter alone for the first 2 1/2 yrs of her life cuz Jack decided to f* his coworker! I was that girl...I was Jill. Sucked! 90% custody of an infant, going back to work full time, trying to get laid once in awhile...urgh! Lets' not even get into the financials. That was six years ago and my finances are still in recovery.
I'm beginning to wonder though what we can talk to men about when we date? Apparently nothing too deep or substantive or we may scare the wittle wabbit! It's B.S. But unfortunately the have the "D" word and that is what I require in a partner. So if you'll excuse me while off to get waxed!

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMarrie

Michelle,

I report the news, I don't create it. I am exactly the woman who is no B.S., expresses herself authentically, and says up front "this is what I'm looking for. I don't do casual sex" (read my blog Silent Night, Horny Night on why women should ban the one night stand). It sure makes for a lot fewer dates, but I believe it's all about quality not quantity anyway. My motto in life is "why waste time, let's do it my way." Takes a very confident, amazing man to appreciate that in a woman, but that's exactly the kind of man I wish to attract (and do).

I entirely agree that men should come to us. They should pursue us. This desperate, insecure, competitive woman thing does not work for us. You should read more of my blog. You'll see that your thoughts are resonated throughout!

Thanks for your comments and for your affirmation that I am not alone in my sentiments.

Lennie

June 4, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Marrie, you always make me laugh. Not gonna scare the widdle wabbit. Ha-ha-haaaa! Unfortunately, we confident, opinionated women are pwetty scawy, but we're the best of the bunch too. If you read last weeks blog on Hamm Sandwich, I think this 'confident woman' threat is why Hollywood execs are trying to bring back the "Mad Men" era, so men can feel like men again and not feel threatened. Hell, I don't want to threaten them. I just want them to treat me like Betty Draper... buy me diamonds, pearls and pretty frocks... lady in the living room... whore in the bedroom. Sounds like a fair deal to me... but you can't have one without giving us the other :) :)

June 4, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Peed myself with the saltnpeppa thing. U rock. And we want the rock, too. Girls rule. Men need to be men again. they're all a bunch a pussies in this town.

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHollywood Hottie

Although I am not opposed to hot, lesbian sex, somehow I always feel left out. However, I think your point, if I'm not mistaken, is that it is a crying shame that the topic of marriage and the creation of a family has become a taboo subject on the dating circuit. I'm sure people date for different reasons: some use the circuit to enhance and upgrade their Rolodex's with a hot list of "FWB's"; others, I suspect you're one of them, are out there sincerely searching for the one person whom you can fulfill your purpose with - one, like you, who is interested in getting married, creating a family, and growing old together. I think it's not so offensive to admit that getting laid is not all that complicated, is it? All it takes is relative good looks, charm, personality, and .... a friend behind the bar. Jussayin'. The question I have is: If it is still pretty easy to have sex, and that's all someone is looking for, then why waste time on the dating circuit mind-fucking those who are seeking life partners? I submit, respectfully, that those that do are douchebags; they are putting on airs, painting a false picture, to ultimately just get into your pants. And when you discover that you've been "played" time and time again, it's not difficult to see how someone seeking a life partner can become "jaded" after a series of letdowns. Not very nice, at all.

I say, if marriage and a family is a priority, then be serious about your time and make it one. Be honest upfront. It is your absolute responsibility to YOURSELF to make your hopes known AND the best time to do that is, in fact, on the first date! Why waste time with non-candidates? What exactly could you be losing when your "candi-DATE" excuses himself from the table and you never see him again? NOTHING! What did you gain? Valuable time. I don't mean to take the fun out of dating, really, but the first date is the only opportunity you have to determine if the person in front of you is worth seeing again. You, my friend, are the prize and as such I believe you must acknowledge that first, set your standards, and never settle for less than what you desire. It doesn't get better if it starts out ..not perfect. Some people use the "two out of three ain't bad" criteria and hope the third prerequisite just takes a little convincing. Nope. If it looks like a duck...blah, blah, blah.

Tell your date about yourself and about your desires. Ask him about his. You'll learn quickly if he or she is right for you. "What? You have no interest in marriage and a family? NEXT!" I don't care how great someone is in bed, it doesn't change the agenda from "not-interested-in-marriage-and-a-family" to "oh, yeah, what was I thinking?" Once you know the truth about a person, you ultimately have control over your decisions. If you learn the person doesn't want what you want, then you decide at that point if you, in any case, want to become an entry in his Rolodex, or even better, take him for the one night stand and kick him to the curb. That'll learn him! ;)

Dates are the stepping stone to finding your soul-mate. Step fast. Step hard. Follow the yellow brick road to your destiny. Yes, I said "destiny". It's where you belong; it's where you've always been meant to be.

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterK.p. Hamdan

KP

Such a valid, beautiful comment...not just the hot, lesbian sex part, but the part about not wasting people's time in the dating world if only looking to get laid—I agree, there are much easier ways... and about being upfront and honest about one's desires. Goes along with my "why waste time, let's do it my way" philosophy :) I believe in being a straight shooter. It's just the expectation that we're supposed to not talk about this not talk about that which is a little tedious and irritating for us women.

Women's lib may have sold us a false bill of goods about equality, and may have f*cked up the whole male/female dynamic, but it did give us a voice...and it seems some men would rather we didn't have one! Oops.. too late...proverbial cat's out of the proverbial bag on that one. And you just can't shut us up :) :)

June 4, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

These men who'd rather strong, independent, and self-empowered women, like yourself, be seen but not heard are perhaps narcissistic and underdeveloped emotionally, and might be better served by the stereotypical brainless bimbo who they imagine are impressed with strokes to their simple ego's. "ooh, baby, baby...you are so hot". 'Really? You're just sayin' that 'cause it's true". They deserve each other. In my experience, I have learned so much and been inspired by the depth and wisdom of strong, independent, self-empowered wisdom. Some of my best friends are these types of women with whom I could spend hours sharing perspective. Too often people confuse the term "equally yoked" with religion, but in fact, it refers to two people who can together can pull the intellectual, mental, spiritual, and emotional cart of life and love, side by side, with the same vigor; sharing every step of the way. As far as the proverbial cat is concerned? Well, Lennie, you and women like you are the cat's meow! Everyone knows that a cat never comes when it's called...it comes when it wants to; when it trusts, and when it loves. Once it does, it purrs with affection and loyalty and will keep you and itself warm at night. Betray that trust and you're likely to end up with a deep and painful cut. Me? I'm putting out a bowl of milk and some treats. Come as you are... as is your nature.

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterK.p. Hamdan

KP, all that talk about cats... I'm falling in love! You need to start your own blog! Or guest on mine. Go KP. I bet you attract a lot of pus...err, cats, with your saucer of milk and treats.

June 4, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Yeah, well, once upon a time maybe. Fact is, I refuse to color the grey out of my beard and temples and it takes a special kind of lady to appreciate what's beneath the Salt n Peppa. No, the only kitty that comes when I call is my trusty ole friend, Pelvis. Sixteen years old and he still "kneads" to be loved and I love him good with all the little kitty treats he can handle. :) Besides, I, myself am quite finicky. Learned it from Pelvis, crazy cat that he is. I'm well aware there are alleys just filled with kitties in heat, but I'm a Cheshire cat... I need a little tête à tête, just a little effort really, to be inspired. Not much of that going on in this Wonderland. Incidentally, if you should fall... I hope I'm man enough to catch you.

June 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterK.p. Hamdan

Normally I would have a great deal to say about some of the content and context of this blog post and the inspiring article. However, as I understand, Lennie, you are mainly looking for a woman's perspective and therefore being very pointed in your arguments. I will do my best to be moderate.

First off Jack does not always leave Jill, and that is an absurd assumption, and I must also assume that you know it. I would also question the accuracy of the Huffington Post, which is an advocate of not only left wing ideals, but feminist values, much akin to national news organizations in Canada such as the Toronto Star. In other words they often offer a very biased opinion offering a thin reality on all perspectives of the situation.

Dead beat Dads are a well know phenomena, however have you considered their perspective on the issue? In my exploration reading the articles put out in Canada and across many Western nations, it is not a simple case of men who will not pay, but a fact that they CANNOT afford the settlement the Court has granted. In this respect I would ask you to seek out the opposite side of the coin, as both parties suffer at the hands of divorce, especially children, whose misfortune I would direct to the Courts for dividing up families for the agenda of Women's Rights.

On a lighter note, I would say YES to the Peter Pan Syndrome, however I would argue women offer up the same stereotype with the Cinderella Story... in both cases life in not like that, period.

I could write a book about you comment "Women just can't seem to catch a break" and the comments that followed. Wow, how many women have been drafted to die for their country? Your equality and equal pay is not about working on a oil rig or in a coal mine which the majority of men have done since the beginning of history, but about working in a cushy office. Both men and women face discrimination in the office circumstance due to many factors, but of course it is generally about who you know or perhaps in a fair situation putting in 60-70 hours per week.

Feminists want you to have your cake and eat it too, but now you realize it cannot be done.

If you think for one second that genuine men want women making 6 figures and no time on their hands you are incorrect. I could care less if the woman I wanted to be with showed up on a bike with ca-pries and a tee shirt from a second hand store.

Their are GOOD MEN and WOMEN out there, but all the BS in between must impact the whole, as it obviously does.
I see nothing in the modern world that brings men and women closer together, only further apart. Am I happy spending time writing this... not really. I would much rather get over the BS of this never ending story and be close to a woman I love, laugh with, smile with, create with, and enjoy.

Later... I have to get my bicycle tires pumped up for my date.

Cheers,
Paul

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPaul

Thanks for your comments, Paul. It appears you did have a great deal to say. And yes, my perspective is from that of a woman, as I am after all.... a woman!

For the record, I'm not formulating "arguments". I think you are forgetting that as a writer, I editorialize. I write to entertain and provoke thought, which clearly I did with you, though many of your thoughts do not mesh with my thoughts and misinterpret my thoughts. I am not a feminist by any means of the word, in fact, I'd say I'm the opposite, and if you read further into my archives this will become evident.

I don't know what kind of discrimination men face in the work place, but I'm sure it's not wages, sexism, sexual harassment which are commonplace for women. If you read some of my other blogs, you'll find links to the statistics as to how under paid women are compared to men in competitive jobs.

I don't think the Canadian courts divide up families for the "agenda of Women's Rights" at all. Are you saying a woman does not have the right to get divorced? Or that she does not have the right to child support from the father of her children? Either is not very liberal minded.

I would agree with you that little in the modern world brings men and women closer together. The system is broken, which is my point—over and over again—throughout my blog.

Lennie

June 8, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross


Men like Franklin Slocombe, contributor for The Urban Dater, says in his article The Kid Conundrum enough with the baby talk—unless it's in the bedroom and she's wearing a schoolgirl uniform and sucking a lollipop, or other hard candy, and recounting on what a bad girl she has been. According to Franklin and many men I have had the displeasure of dating, talking about babies, stopping to look in a stroller, or sighing when a woman and child pass by is inappropriate dating behavior.

A little empathy is called for here as this is, yet again, a huge difference between the genders. Franklin does want kids when he's financially stable enough to support them. Till that time, the idea of starting a family understandably scares the hell out of him. He sees the raw responsibility of it all first and foremost. His ex, on the other hand, was simply giving in to her maternal instincts by cooing with the baby next to her. You can see the conflict. The baby triggered legitimate fear in Franklin and legitimate endearment in his ex. So when the conversation about starting a family went down, neither party could empathize with the other in order to continue the relationship. In fact, his ex expected him to coo right along with her and be happy about it. She had no room to understand his fear and he had no room to understand her endearment.

So to say this behavior is "off-limits" on a date is a bit extreme. But if a woman does this on a date she would do well to realize she may not get the desired reaction from the guy EVEN IF he wants to be a dad someday. Men do see having kids as an overwhelming responsibility. And most of us simply don't have that innate desire to connect with babies either because of how we were raised or simply our biology. A lot of guys emotionally connect with their kids AFTER they've arrived and without any shred of paternal desire beforehand! So, what is more important is to have the conversation about starting a family early, as Franklin advocates. But it needs to be done with empathy and with respect of each other's investment of time in the relationship.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJason

Thanks Jason, you make some good points especially about the terror the financial responsibility of children instills.

June 8, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

As a woman, I would run SCREAMING from a first date if a man wanted to talk about marriage and/or babies. Seriously, there would be a little 5 foot 3 hole in the wall in the shape of my fleeing ass. That's just too much too soon. Why bring this up within the first few dates? Why not wait until you have an idea of whether or not this man is even worthy of that (and that is gonna take waaaay more than 3 dates my friend)?

To be fair, I am divorced, and have already had all the children I plan on having. This just isn't on my radar. It's not something I want, not now, not for a long time. Finally, getting married/divorced and having kids in my early 20's has paid off in some small way.

June 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteramazingg0477

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