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Wednesday
Jul132011

Friend Zone or End Zone?

I was recently a guest on “'Game On”, a radio show devoted to the art of meeting and attracting women. One of the topics discussed was whether a guy should accept just being friends with a girl if his objective is either to be in a relationship with her or to have sex with her. You may think those are the same thing, but they’re not. There are boyfriends and there are fuck buddies. Either way, when a woman says she’d like to be friends she does not want to be your girlfriend or your fuck buddy. It is her non-confrontational way of saying “It’s not going to work out. I think we should move on.”

It could be that she’s seeing someone else, but more likely she just doesn’t consider you boyfriend material. Either she’s not sexually attracted to you or she detected some kind of deal-breaker behavior. You may not hear the “let’s be friends” line until the second or third date, which may add to your confusion. She may not have had enough information to make a decision after a first date, or she wasn’t strong enough to say “no” to a second date. Either way, she’s saying “no” now with “let’s be friends.” It’s important that you hear what she’s actually saying.

Everyone on the radio show concurred that the friend zone does not lead to the end zone. You may think you have your foot in the door, and it’s only a matter of time before she lets you all the way in, but that’s not the case. If you don’t want to be her friend, don’t patronize her by constantly texting, accompanying her to chick flicks, and listening to her relationship woes hoping she will eventually give in. She will sense your ulterior motive and resent you, and you will look pathetic. If she does weaken on a night when she breaks up with her current boyfriend, or when she’s had a bit too much to drink, she will regret that she had sex with you (even if it was amazing ‘swinging from the chandelier’ sex), and distance herself after, resulting in no more intimacy for you. If you’re goal is a one-off getting laid situation, there are easier ways. Approach a girl who is interested in that. With the “let’s be friends” girl, you’ll spend a lot of time and energy, may never get laid, and in the end you’ll lose her as a friend. 

Here are four reasons walking away is better:

1. It shows that you’re mature, can accept rejection and respect her decision.

2. You make yourself available to other women who may actually be interested in you.

3. You won’t end up resenting her, and thereby resenting women in general, if your plan to get laid by her fails—which it will.

4. It gives you a chance to reflect on why she said “let’s be friends” and possibly do a little self improvement so the next girl you’re interested in doesn’t say no.

If you truly enjoy her company, then by all means be her friend, but do so without expectations. One never knows what the future holds. She may fall in love with you later down the line, but it will be a long time later. What you need to take away from this is that “let’s be friends” means she’s just not that into you. Walk away with your integrity intact. If you stick around trying to get laid, she will sense your desperation and it will never happen. In other words, don’t cut off your balls just to get a piece of ass.

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Reader Comments (2)

Nice post - first time on your blog.
I've actually just been out on a 3rd date with a guy - he's a really nice guy - all the qualities that one would look for in a long term stable relationship (which is something I do want, looks like he does too but not said so) .. BUT ... I can't put my finger on it - I'm not feeling it which means I have to tell him 'lets be friends' or 'its not working out' ..
Obviously don't mean to confuse him - but sometimes it does take 2-3 dates to determine whether or not to pursue something further *sigh*

July 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDazediva

Thanks for checking out my blog. I'll check out yours as well. My suggestion is if you are NOT feeling it, walk away... because you will either "convince" yourself to feel it, and then later realize that's what you did... or you will continue to not feel it and waste more time trying to figure out whether it is something you want to pursue... the other challenge with committing more time, is that men expect you to commit more of everything with more time... the expectation levels of increased intimacy rise, and you may wind up regretting getting intimate with someone who you later realize was a mistake. Plus one concession leads to another and the next thing you know you'll wind up moving in with this guy that you were on the fence about... it's a slippery slope. Walk away.. if he's right, he'll chase you down and make every effort to convince you that he's right. You need to trust your instincts. I think the older you get, the more you know specifically who you are and what works for you, and the more accurate your first impressions will be. Actually, I have a blog on first impressions coming out soon.. so be sure to keep an eye peeled for it. I think you'll enjoy it.

July 17, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

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