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« Hostile Takeover | Main | Friend Zone or End Zone? »
Saturday
Jul162011

Boyfriend In A Coma

Boyfriend in a coma, I know, I know, it’s serious. There are times when I could have murdered him… for watching TV in bed!  I can’t help thinking of The Smiths whenever I see a man passed out in front of a television set.

When I was growing up my dad would fall asleep in front of the TV every night. He would stir around midnight and head upstairs to the master bedroom in a foggy haze. This is how I associate men and TV. I have yet to meet a man who doesn’t doze off the minute a TV is turned on at night. During the day, they can stay glued to it for hours if there’s a sporting event on—though, they do tend to nod off watching golf. At night, it’s like a visual source of Ambien. It’s the equivalent to me opening a book after 9pm—one paragraph in and I’m comatose—which is why I don’t read in bed. I never actually turn a page.

Before I moved into my current home, there was a flat screen TV on the bedroom wall. Obviously, a man lived there. When I took occupancy, the TV was gone and a hole remained. I patched the hole. Every man who has since toured my bedroom (there haven’t been many) has looked at that very wall and said, “You should put a flat screen there”. Why? So they can come over and get a good night’s sleep? What I should put there is a piece of art, but I can’t afford any. I can’t afford the flat screen either.

There was a great scene in Sex and the City 2 movie where Big buys Carrie a flat screen TV and has it installed in their bedroom—as an anniversary gift. Needless to say, she wasn't impressed. Tip for you men out there: don’t secretly disguise a gift for yourself as a gift for us. We can see right through that scam. That’s like a woman saying, "Hey baby, I bought this $5000 Van Cleef Alhambra necklace for you to admire on me." Please. When it comes to gifts, we want a gift that's for us. There is one exception. You may buy us lingerie. We certainly don’t have the budget to spend our hard earned money on La Perla and Agent Provocateur, so if you want to buy that gift for yourself and disguise it as a gift for us, knock yourself out! I digress from the TV issue.

The only reason to have a TV in the bedroom is as a visual stimulus and sexual aid. If it’s not playing porn, which I’m not really a huge fan of, I don’t see the point. If I’m not having sex, I want to sleep, not listen to Game Of Thrones or Real Time with Bill Maher while my significant other is deep into REM. When I’m in bed with a man, I want his attention focused on me. He should be ravaging my body. There have been times when I’ve sashayed into the bedroom wearing a hot little number from Agent Provocateur only to find the man I am DTF snoring with the remote firmly gripped in his hand as though rigor mortis has set in. Then they complain that you never dress up in lingerie and have sex with them.

I don’t get the point of having a TV in the bedroom. Is it a guy thing or am I missing something? Are there women out there who like sleeping with the TV on, or are we always the ones who wait till he dozes off before peeling the remote out of his hand to turn it off. If only that remote had a vibrator mode.

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Reader Comments (4)

This is hilarious! I never watch TV before bed. Unless it's C-SPAN with Congress' antics, it probably won't make me fall asleep. Men and their TOYS!

July 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Men do love their toys... and they love holding the controls. I only like a TV in a bedroom when I'm staying in a hotel.

July 17, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

Baby, you need a woman.

July 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJackie Eldridge

No, I prefer men. Just prefer men who would rather engage with me than a tv in bed.

July 21, 2011 | Registered CommenterLennie Ross

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