Woman Speak: What She Says & What She Really Means

A few months ago, my dear friend Marrie Lobel from DirtyinPublic guest-posted on my site with her blogpost: Man Speak. Today she's filling in for me again:

Most men listen to what a woman says, but rarely do they hear what she is saying.  Men, if they’re straight, remain mere yellow belts in the art of understanding women. Luckily, I’m here to help you, Grasshopper. Below is a little list to help men advance in the art of women’s speak. A few men may be masters who know what she means, others mere students…either way, you can thank me later!

Women’s Speak

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I am sorry = You’ll be sorry

I’m bored = Let’s go buy me something; let’s go shopping

I’m tired = No sex tonight   

We need to talk = You f*cked up. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Sure, go ahead = Over my dead body; Go ahead, I double dog dare you

Do what you want = Later, your ass is mine and not in a good way

I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you idiot!

You’re attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Let’s have sex = I want to have a baby

I love you = Let’s get married