Spill wine all over my coat and handbag and don't offer to pay for cleaning, complain about the price of the duck a half-dozen times, make several references to sex and your dick size, talk only about yourself and never inquire about my life, don’t offer to pay for my parking or even walk me to the valet and then text me at 4a.m. after I told you I hate it when people text me between the hours of 11p.m. and 8a.m. Do just one of these things and you’re not likely to get a second date, but all of them in one evening? I hit the jackpot – all this from a man near fifty: from a generation where most mothers stayed at home and raised their children. He has no excuse for being an asshole. Why are people so completely lacking in social graces these days? Do I have to move to the Midwest, or perhaps Europe, to find a courteous man?
Welcome to my blog on dating in Los Angeles. I hope you find my real life stories and anecdotes on being smart, sexy and single in the City of Angels as amusing (and tragic) as I do. If you enjoy reading my posts, please share this blog site with your friends, family, loved ones, and less loved ones.
Please check out my Sex and the City style novel Blow Me—available now in e-book and paperback on my website and lulu.com. Also available in ebook on amazon.com and Google books.
Sadly, I’m a bit of an expert at online dating. Having navigated a variety of dating sites on and off over the past several years, I have seen everything – and I mean everything! Thanks for sharing, guys, but there are some things I’d rather you just leave to my imagination.
There are profiles that impress a woman and those that repel. To impress, your profile must stand apart from the others. It’s amazing how many guys put no effort into their profile. Hot tip: no effort into online profile translates for women to no effort into relationship. It’s a good idea to personalize your profile and not just check off the “likes” and “dislikes”. You don’t want to let your ‘lazy’ show. If you’re going to invest hours in surfing the sites looking for that special someone, start out by investing five minutes in writing something about yourself. Make sure it’s sincere, original and be sure to employ spell-check.
It took only a few months of living in Los Angeles to learn that many unemployed actors and writers spend their days at Urth Caffé, hopelessly hitting on women. Over the past decade of stopping for my morning coffee, I have watched the same faces grow older and more pathetic with time. It seems their dating strategy has failed.
The other night at Osteria Mozza, a man with an English accent approached me. He was divorced, lived in the Hollywood Hills (not in the Bird Streets, like DiCaprio) and worked in finance as a consultant – an entrepreneur of sorts. What’s that expression? Entrepreneur is French for unemployed? I don’t know what vocations he was currently entre, but it was obvious he wanted to get entre the sheets avec moi. For those who didn’t study languages, that would be a French/English dictionary you’d require at this time. I like Brits. They are salt-of-the-earth people who know how to make a proper cup of tea, so I gave him my number in exchange for his card. He was going out of town until Tuesday and promised to be in touch upon his return.
How many times have you gone on a date, assumed everything was going just great, and never gotten a second date? We know it happens, because we women make it happen. Women are really good at pretending we’re having a good time (it’s called being polite), when we’d really like to choke on a piece of steak and get rushed to the hospital than endure the rest of a bad date.
Gentlemen, if you don’t know why you’re not getting a second date, here’s a list of “dating don’ts” that might help you figure out where you’re going wrong.
1. Expect Your Date To Pay For Half: Leave “going Dutch” to the Dutch. It does not fly in the United States. A gentleman always pays. If you don’t like this rule, consider a sex change or moving to Amsterdam - or both.
2. Complain About The Price Of The Meal: If you can’t afford the meal, you can’t afford the girl. If she chose the restaurant and it’s too expensive for your taste that tells you something about your compatibility.
Is food poisoning better than a first date? If you’ve read any of my blog, you’ll probably agree that there are definitely times when heaving over a toilet bowl wondering if you will die from some mutant strain of lethal e.coli bacteria sounds like a delightful way to spend an evening.
I was contacted online by a man who seemed charming, gracious and kind – excellent qualities – and agreed to a phone call, during which I detected just a little of the “I think I’m funnier than I actually am” syndrome. Turn off. But, I hadn’t been on a date in a while and needed some material for my blog. What great lengths I go to for my readers! He offered to take me to Melisse, my favorite restaurant in Los Angeles, where I could order whatever wines I wanted. He would arrange a car service to pick me up and drop me off, so I could get to and from dinner without a DUI. Nice!
Long before The Secret, I had a boyfriend who made me a “vision board” by pasting photos, words and magazine clippings on a big piece of construction paper. It represented who I was and where I wanted to go in life. While this man never supported me financially (in fact, it was the other way around), he got bonus points for being emotionally supportive of my career. Without him, I would have never become a writer nor would I have moved to the United States.
He was the little voice that said “you can do this” as I wrote magazine articles for 50 cents a word and copy for medical brochures (yawn) and real estate brochures (more yawns). I would come home after a long day at my ‘paying gig’ of producing commercials, and he would have music playing, champagne to toast the sunset together, and a bubble bath drawn and lined with candles for me to unwind in while he prepared a gourmet dinner. For years I had the vision board on my wall, probably right until The Secret became popular. Then I tucked it away somewhere, a little embarrassed that it was now the thing to do.