Lennie Writes

INTEGRITY in a Break up

Lennie Ross — Mon, 13 May 2013 20:04:36 +0000

A little over a year ago, I left a long-term relationship. I could have written a note. I could have sent an email. I could have left a post-it on the fridge. Instead, I wrote a three-page letter, which I read to him with tears streaming down my face as I explained how he had disappointed me, how he had not respected me, how he said I was his everything, yet treated me like I was nothing but a burden. By the end of the break-up conversation, it was a mutual agreement that we couldn’t go on. He could not/would not give me what I needed, and so I had to leave. We agreed to be friends and to be respectful of each other. Who knew what the future would hold? We might be back together a year down the road when circumstances were different. We even went for dinner, spent one final night together, and kissed each other good-bye the next morning.

At his insistence, I had made some pretty serious compromises in my life. I had given up my career. I had agreed to move to a rural town in Northern California and to give up my friends and my world to build a life with this man. If things didn’t work out, his life would be fine; mine would be a disaster. We had talked about marriage, but even after a lengthy relationship, he was in no hurry to remarry a fourth time—even to “the love of his life.” I asked him to provide me with some kind of financial consideration if things didn’t work out. He verbally agreed that if things didn’t work out and I left he would give me a certain (small) sum to help me get back on my feet; and, if he ended the relationship, there would be one and a half times that (small) sum.

And the winner is...

Lennie Ross — Sat, 30 Jun 2012 07:02:50 +0000

Little ol' me. Yep. I'm delighted to announce that my very FIRST novel, Blow Me, won Best Chick Lit Novel in the 2012 Indie Reader Discovery Awards. To quote Sally Fields, "You like me, you really like me."

I've had tremendous fun writing my blog and entertaining you with my dating stories, anecdotes, and advice, but it doesn't put food on my table. I need to get back to my writing and produce another award-winning novel---which also doesn't put food on my table, but I love it anyway---so I won't be blogging for a while.

You can entertain yourself by accessing dozens of humorous stories through my archives on this site, but if you want to get me blogging again, please click on the BUY E-BOOK and BUY PAPERBACK buttons to the right of this post and get a copy of my novel. Don't stop at one. They make great gifts: Christmas & Hanukkah will be here before you know it. You can also purchase Blow Me on Amazon, Google Books, Barnes&Noble, and Lulu. When you read and love my book, I encourage you to leave a review on the aforementioned sites and on Goodreads.

It’s Complicated

Lennie Ross — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 07:02:34 +0000

Or, is it? There’s nothing complicated about relationships that work. They’re filled with love, respect, trust, sugar and spice and everything nice that makes you happy to be in a relationship. If your relationship status on Facebook says “It’s Complicated” it’s really pretty easy. It means you have a shitty boyfriend or that you’re dating someone who’s married—which, by the way, means you have a shitty boyfriend, because he’s someone else’s spouse and he isn’t respecting either of you by dipping his proverbial toe (or other body part) in more than one swimming hole.

Spare yourself the indignity, and move on. Uncomplicate your life and in doing so you will know whether the man you left behind has any integrity. Either he will stay in his complicated mess of a life and you will be free of the anxiety, humiliation, and emotional strain it is causing you, or he will get his act together, clean up his life and come after you in at full-throttle speed. It’s like I said in my blog Lord of the Engagement Ring. It comes down to the cow/free milk analogy. Especially if he’s already paying full-freight on some other cow!

Wandering Eyes

Lennie Ross — Sat, 16 Jun 2012 07:01:57 +0000

Should your boyfriend only eyes for you? Should he behave like a horse with blinders on? If you get upset when he looks at another woman, maybe it’s your problem and not his. You should be confident that your man wants to be with you, that he wants to have sex with you, and that he’s completely turned on by you. So what if he casts a glance at another woman? We are ALL visual creatures—both men and women. If we weren’t there’d be no need for advertising which preys on our visual senses as do the products marketed by advertising (just look at how sexy the new white iPad is).

If you’ve watched even one episode of The Client List, a show targeted at the female audience, then you’ll agree that women like to look at a sexy man as much as men like to look at a sexy woman. The entirely unrealistic character, Riley Parks, (played by Jennifer Love Hewitt) has a massage clientele comprised entirely of sexy 30 year-old men with abs of steel and chiseled jaws who look like they walked off the cover of Muscle and Fitness.

Jealousy Will Get You Nowhere

Lennie Ross — Sat, 09 Jun 2012 07:02:34 +0000

The other day at Pilates I overheard two women talking about a mutual friend who was more fortunate than they were. Let’s call her Sally, for argument sake. Everything they said about Sally was a criticism. "Most of the time she didn't mention it, but occasionally she slipped up,” one of them said. Really? Slipped up? Like it’s some kind of flaw for to speak of her fortunate life? Is there some unwritten rulebook that says Sally is supposed to hide her lifestyle or apologize for the money either she or her husband earned or inherited? Ladies, please grow up!

Apparently, Sally had mentioned taking her two young children and nanny to Laguna for the long weekend and was shocked at the expensive accommodations—$3000 a night for the four of them. Her comment was clearly one of astonishment not braggadocio. The girls went on to calculate that the number didn't include meals, activities, and of course spa. Sally was surely going to spend time at the spa. After all that's what wealthy women do!

Lord of the (Engagement) Ring

Lennie Ross — Sat, 02 Jun 2012 07:02:53 +0000

I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come into my life. Bullshit! I call major frickin’ BULLSHIT on that one, motherfucker! If you really mean those words made famous by Mick Jones of Foreigner, act on them. Ladies, don’t be fooled by a guy who says all the right things, makes all the right promises, but never delivers. Actions speak louder than words.

Someone asked me recently “how many years do you have to be together before your figure out that he doesn’t want to marry you?” This reminds me of an old Tootsie Pop commercial from the 70s where a kid asks, “Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop?” The owl answered three. If the question was, “How many years does it take to get a ring on your finger?” the owl would have answered one. That’s because owls are wise and old, just like me.

I Started A Joke…

Lennie Ross — Sat, 26 May 2012 07:01:51 +0000

Robin Gibb in Dubai, March 2008, courtesy of Robin ReignsThe first time I heard the song “I Started a Joke” by the BeeGees I must have been ten years old—maybe younger. There was something so sad about the lyrics. I never really stopped to think about them, but Robin Gibb’s recent passing has made me pause to ponder their poignancy.

Many people I know are unhappy in their marriages and unhappy with their lives. Few of us seem to have the courage to do anything about it. Our guilt, sense of obligation and fears paralyze us. Eventually, the idea of changing our lives becomes nothing more than a fantasy. I was in an unhappy relationship for a long time. Hell, I’ve been in several unhappy relationships. I stayed because I was not strong enough to leave. Instead, I lived in hope that one day the man I loved would make me a priority in his life. Eventually, after being my self-esteem into the ground and developing so much resentment towards the person I loved for not acknowledging my needs, I would leave.

Snip Snip

Lennie Ross — Sat, 19 May 2012 07:01:52 +0000

There comes a time in every woman’s life where she’s sweating bullets in the checkout line at her local pharmacy as she unpacks a bunch of random items, hoping the person standing behind her doesn't notice the pregnancy kit nestled amongst a bag of Doritos, a box of tampons (wishful thinking that you do get your period), some makeup wipes and sunscreen. You’ve been there, right? You look at the items on the moving conveyer. It looked like more in the basket, so you quickly grab a gossip magazine, a pack of gum and a few bottles of five-hour energy drinks and add them to the pile. You wait for it—a tsk-tsk sound from the cashier, a critical eye from the person behind you—but, it never comes. Buying a pregnancy test is infinitely more embarrassing than buying condoms. If anyone notices the EPT kit you know they’re thinking, “If she had been responsible and bought condoms, she wouldn’t need that.”

Accidents happen whether using condoms or birth control. With all the controversy around women's rights to birth control, the fifty-year old debate about pro life versus pro choice, I thought I'd throw a little fuel on the fire. Why not!

iPee

Lennie Ross — Sat, 12 May 2012 07:01:54 +0000

Long before George Costanza announced his invention of the iToilet app on the Seinfeld reunion episode, I had thought of this very concept. Having driven from Los Angeles to San Diego on many occasions, I’ve learned exactly where to stop for a clean bathroom and where not to stop. I have even taken to keeping a Starbucks paper cup on the floor of the passenger seat of my car—for roadside emergencies.

As a woman, peeing is a very big part of my life. It’s something I do often, and something I do well. While drinking three liters of water a day may have something to do with it, I’ve heard that women also have smaller bladders than men—or at least intolerance for a full bladder. Like Peter MacNicol’s character John Cage, the quirky Senior Partner at Cage & Fish on the acclaimed TV series of the 90s, Ally McBeal, I like a fresh bowl. I also like a clean bathroom, one that smells of flowers and candles not bleach and stale urine.

Excess Baggage

Lennie Ross — Sat, 05 May 2012 07:01:14 +0000

I once dated a man who traveled more than George Clooney's character in Up In The Air. He basically lived in seat 2b on American Airlines. A card-carrying member of the five million mile club, he knew every flight attendant by name and had the privilege of getting on any flight at any time, even if it meant bumping someone else off. A few years with him, and I became an expert traveler myself, able to breeze through TSA screening in record time, compressing everything I needed for up to a week into one Tumi carry-on (they make the largest permissible carry-on) and one personal item—a large Chanel tote that set me back five times the price of the Tumi case. The Chanel tote was big enough to accommodate a 17-inch MacBook Pro, a change of clothes, a pair of shoes, a broad array of reading material, and my TSA approved 3oz toiletries.