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Welcome to my blog on dating in Los Angeles.  I hope you find my real life stories and anecdotes on being smart, sexy and single in the City of Angels as amusing (and tragic) as I do.  If you enjoy reading my posts, please share this blog site with your friends, family, loved ones, and less loved ones.  

Please check out my Sex and the City style novel Blow Me—available now in e-book and paperback on my website and lulu.com. Also available in ebook on amazon.com and Google books.

Entries in Advice for Men (37)

Saturday
Jan152011

Salt of The Urth?

It took only a few months of living in Los Angeles to learn that many unemployed actors and writers spend their days at Urth Caffé, hopelessly hitting on women. Over the past decade of stopping for my morning coffee, I have watched the same faces grow older and more pathetic with time. It seems their dating strategy has failed.

The other night at Osteria Mozza, a man with an English accent approached me. He was divorced, lived in the Hollywood Hills (not in the Bird Streets, like DiCaprio) and worked in finance as a consultant – an entrepreneur of sorts. What’s that expression?  Entrepreneur is French for unemployed? I don’t know what vocations he was currently entre, but it was obvious he wanted to get entre the sheets avec moi. For those who didn’t study languages, that would be a French/English dictionary you’d require at this time. I like Brits. They are salt-of-the-earth people who know how to make a proper cup of tea, so I gave him my number in exchange for his card. He was going out of town until Tuesday and promised to be in touch upon his return.

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Saturday
Jan082011

10 First-Date Don't's For Men

How many times have you gone on a date, assumed everything was going just great, and never gotten a second date? We know it happens, because we women make it happen. Women are really good at pretending we’re having a good time (it’s called being polite), when we’d really like to choke on a piece of steak and get rushed to the hospital than endure the rest of a bad date. 

Gentlemen, if you don’t know why you’re not getting a second date, here’s a list of “dating don’ts” that might help you figure out where you’re going wrong.

1. Expect Your Date To Pay For Half: Leave “going Dutch” to the Dutch. It does not fly in the United States. A gentleman always pays. If you don’t like this rule, consider a sex change or moving to Amsterdam - or both.

2. Complain About The Price Of The Meal: If you can’t afford the meal, you can’t afford the girl. If she chose the restaurant and it’s too expensive for your taste that tells you something about your compatibility.

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Wednesday
Dec222010

7 Tips to Getting Your Girlfriend a Great Christmas Gift

There is nothing worse than watching your girlfriend open her gift and give you a fake smile as she says “Cool, thanks” and tosses it aside.  Okay there is one thing worse. She could say “What in f@#k made you think I’d want a toolbox for Christmas?” and storm out of the room. If your girlfriend is dropping hints about needing repairs done around her apartment, you’re a real tool if you buy her a toolbox. What she is saying is “it would be really great if you could fix my leaky faucet for me” not “I’d love a Black & Decker drill set for Christmas.”

Here’s a simple shopping suggestion: Listen to what she says and pay attention to what she wears. 

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Saturday
Dec112010

Pardon Me For Sticking My Tongue Down Your Throat

One of my biggest pet peeves is an inappropriate act of intimacy on a first date. In my books – or blogs – groping, kissing and talking graphically about sex (or one’s virility) are top on the list of first date no-no’s and are only acceptable if the woman overtly leads things in that direction – in which case she is likely either drunk, a slut, or both.

I recently met a 53-year old divorced man from Del Mar who was willing to make the 2-hour drive up to Beverly Hills. Sadly, driving more than 20 minutes for a date is considered impressive by L.A. standards. Most men aren’t willing to drive across town. I have one friend who will only date women who reside within a half-hour driving zone from his home. Consider this: there are roughly 310 million people in the United States. If the odds of meeting your soul mate are one in a million, and you are looking only at members of the opposite sex, then you have roughly 155 chances of finding this person. The chances are slim to none that even one of those potential soul mates lives within a half-hour of you.  Any man who is not willing to drive across town, or drive up from Orange County or San Diego, is an inconsiderate ass and will wind up a pathetic, single aging Playboy dating women half his age, like Charlie Sheen and his Two and a Half Men character Charlie Harper.         

Mr. Del Mar was attractive: tall, intelligent, fit, and a stylish dresser, which earned him an A+ for accuracy of his online profile. But – there’s always a ‘but’ – he had a bit of a smooth-talking, snake-oil peddler quality to him, which reminded me of a used car salesman (albeit luxury pre-owned). Despite saying he was a foodie, he confessed to not liking wine and obviously didn’t know jack-shit about food given the generic chain restaurant he suggested as a meeting place.  You know the type with plastic menus, factory-processed breadsticks, generic wines by the glass listed only as Cabernet, Merlot and Chardonnay, and a TV visible from all angles so one can follow the Clippers losing streak while chowing down on fried calamari. Once upon a time, men sat with their backs to the wall as a protective stance incase any unsavory types entered the restaurant, now they do it for optimum vantage point of the TV. Any restaurant with televised entertainment is not appropriate for a first date, or any date for that matter. I vetoed his choice in favor of E. Baldi on Canon Drive where I also ordered, since he didn’t know how to read “menu Italian”. 

Before our wine arrived, my date put his hand on my thigh. Smooth. Too smooth.  I’m not a rent-a-date. Keep your mitts to yourself! thought I, repositioning my chair to be further away.  This SoCal Casanova was all for fast-tracking right past the unwritten third-date rule that runs rampant in this town. A rule that states that it’s uncool to make sexual advances before the third date, but is widely misinterpreted as expect to get laid by the third date. Before we finished our crudo appetizer, he leaned over and French kissed me. I’m sorry. Did I miss something here? I don’t recall saying that he could touch me, let alone cram his tongue down my throat. Talk about inappropriate first-date conduct. Honestly, gentlemen, that behavior would be the equivalent of me taking a credit card out of my date’s wallet and buying a pair of Jimmy Choos between dinner and dessert. While there are plenty of women in this town who would think nothing of doing that on a first date, I’m sure Mr. Del Mar would not take kindly to that kind of behavior given he had already questioned why all women covet expensive designer shoes.  So we look great with our legs in the air, dumb ass! And since that’s for your benefit, you should buy the damn shoes - and the lingerie.  

I don’t care how attractive, successful, or fit a man is, he has no right to touch me, let alone swap spit with me, on a first date. How about reading my signals – which were nothing like Ooh, baby…grope me at the table and then bang me silly in the restaurant bathroom before dessert. I know all men are looking for a little tongue-down-throat, hand-down-pant action, but can they at least try to wait till after the entrée is cleared before helping themselves to dessert?

Sunday
Nov282010

“I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”

I know you come to my blog to read about the horrors of my dating life, and I assure you there will be plenty of opportunity for that.  In fact, I had another disastrous date today.  But, I simply cannot go to sleep tonight without acknowledging this tragic news.  Actor Leslie Nielsen, who was most noted for his role as the accident-prone Frank Drebin in the Naked Gun comedies and the hapless doctor in Airplane! died today at a hospital near his home in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.  He was 84.  How is this relevant to a dating blog, you ask? 

Photo: Alan Light

In my mind, it’s extremely relevant.  Whenever I am asked to describe my father, I say he was a cross between Leslie Nielsen and Donald Sutherland.  Like them, my father was a tall, handsome, silver-haired fox; highly educated, extremely charismatic, he could perform a flawless fox trot, carry on intellectual conversations or simply sit around with a bunch of guys and crack jokes.  He was chameleon-like, as actors are, and could be just as comfortable in a tent full of Bedouins or a conference room full of Nobel Prize winners.  When my father entered a crowded room sporting a smile as wide as Texas, the entire room lit up from his presence.  Everyone wanted to be his friend.  Not only do I aspire to be as gracious, gregarious and well-loved as my father was, but I aspire to find those qualities in a man. This is no small task. 

I ask myself, on the eve of Leslie Nielsen’s passing, are these characteristics of an endangered species of man? Do I have to date men that are old enough to be my father in order to find graciousness, manners, and style?  Or, is it possible that some fathers have passed these remarkable qualities on to their sons?  I would hope so, or I am forever destined to be single. Maybe I am looking for a Canadian-born man such as Nielsen, Sutherland and my father.  If only it were that simple.  The thought does give me pause. 

It is a very somber day as we have lost one of the greatest comedians of our time and a truly great man.  In honor of his passing, I leave you with this:

Frank: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

Jane: Goodyear?

Frank: No, the worst.

 

Saturday
Nov272010

Rat vs. Vol(e)

First impressions can be deceiving.  I recently met a man online who was attractive, highly educated, in his early fifties and relatively successful.  He seemed like an excellent dating candidate.  We had two enjoyable phone conversations and agreed to meet for lunch.  Shortly after the second call, I received this email.  Needless to say, lunch was cancelled.

Dear Lennie

I am getting way ahead of myself and I'm not presuming this is going anywhere, but I thought I'd lay out a deal killer to save us both some time and agony. This is largely about relationships and intimacy.  Other topics like complete honesty and trust can be dealt with later. I shouldn't focus in on the sex stuff, probably doesn't make a good first impression, but at least you know where I’m coming from.

First: I am a Vol not a Rat. Male Rats have random sex, generally only once with a partner and then move on to another female rat, having many partners. Vols find a single partner, have sex nonstop with that partner and bond for life.  Now, I've slept with more than one woman and you are likely not a virgin, but my point is that even at this age, I take commitment and intimacy very seriously. 

Second:  I am 100% disease free and intend to stay that way. I have found herpes particularly prevalent and don't buy off on the Valtrex solution. Of course, there is much worse and many people don't even know they have something until they're tested.  Worse, not all tests are foolproof so it's possible something doesn't get picked up unless there's an outbreak.  So, before things really go anywhere, I insist my partner and I get blood tests and exchange the results.  It's a bit personal, but so is having sex.  If you have an STD, it's just not going to work.  It doesn't make you a bad person and maybe it makes me a jerk but I've dealt with this issue more than once and if I don't address it up front it can get nasty.

Third:  If and when a partner and I decide to be intimate, not to spoil the romance, but we talk a lot about it first. Understanding each other’s likes and dislikes, concerns, whatever and being comfortable about it makes it better. We just need to do it in a way that also gets us in the mood and not out of it.  That said, I am slow to move toward intimacy.  I have to really be sure, and be responsible about it, birth control, etc. I haven't gotten snipped yet because I'm not sure that I wouldn't want to try and start a family again.  I know it's reversible, but I'd rather wait and know if I'm finished or not.  If and when we both want to sleep with each other, we should be certain about it.  As a Vol, I'm much more like a woman regarding sex.  I enjoy the physical part only if there is a deep emotional connection. If I have that, I want sex all of the time, health permitting.  I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. However, if we're not ready or the connection isn't there, I have no interest or desire for sex.  Don't worry.  I make up for that apathy when I'm into it :-).  But if you don't have a similar drive, that will be a problem.

Finally, because this is going on too long, it will be AWESOME.  Physical fitness is important to me and taking care of my partner emotionally and physically is a top priority.  I am very comfortable with my sexuality as long as it isn't harmful or disrespectful to my partner.  I can confidently say that my partner will never have been more satisfied and I know I am making a bold statement.  Test me! :-)

All this said, I prefer the slow approach.  If one is going to be responsible and really find a new level of intimacy, one has to approach it the right way.  There's plenty of time for all of that, no need to rush.  But if and when we get there, WATCH OUT! 

I'm hoping we're both disease free but in this world you have to be extra careful.  If I've upset or offended you I apologize.  I don't mean to be an insensitive jerk.

With all sincerity,

(the Vol)

Where to start with what’s wrong with sending an email like this to someone you have never met…first, (pardon me for assuming his writing style of numbering points), it might land in the hands of a blogger.  Second, he should use spell-check and know how to spell vole, before classifying himself as one.  This would be a particularly effective use of his time if he intends to use this as a form email and send it to other prospective dates who may appreciate proper grammar.  Third, an email like this will never in a million years result in a date, so if you’re looking for opposite-sex repellant, this is it.  Rats versus Voles.  Really?  Did this man admittedly liken his gender to rats and voles?  Rat, vole, squirrel, chipmunk --- I don’t date any kind of rodent.  I’m particularly fond of how he assumes that when we have sex - way, way, way down the long boring road of talking about it to death - we will be having unprotected sex, given he addresses blood tests, birth control and the fact that he has no intentions of getting snipped (rather irrelevant if condoms are in play).  I am not talking the technicalities of sex with anyone ad nauseum.  If he doesn’t know what a woman wants at his age (hint: not an email like this), then no amount of talking is going to remedy the situation.  WATCH OUT, ladies!  Mr. Vol is AWESOME in bed.  He is physically fit.  Translation: he's gonna bang you senseless for hours. Oh, yay!  We all love that so much.  Funny how he doesn’t mean to be an insensitive jerk, and yet…this guy is a RAT, if I ever saw one.