New Year’s Eve is just around the corner and while everyone is busy making plans to celebrate with friends, family, or lovers, I’m opting out. Last year I went to Vegas for three nights with a friend and partied like a rock star at Tryst, Tao and The Bank. Actually, she partied. I babysat, ensuring her safe return to the hotel room each night, er…morning. This year, I was invited to Aspen, but I don't want the male friend who invited me to think he’d finally get into my pants just because we’re both single on New Year’s Eve. So, I will be ringing in the New Year alone. While I am quite comfortable with being alone, this is a time of year when I will feel not just alone, but lonely. Absent of family, friends or a lover to share the night with. The fact is I would rather celebrate alone than be in some bar with a bunch of people I do not know or care to know trying to convince myself that I am having a good time just because it’s New Year’s Eve.
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Entries in Advice for Women (28)
Why women should ban the one-night stand.
During the holidays, we are prone to being lonely and more vulnerable than usual. Thanksgiving gave us time to reflect on those things we are thankful for. With Christmas and New Year’s upon us, we obsess over the things we didn’t accomplish and desperately try to fill the voids in our lives. If one of those voids happens to be “boyfriend”, we can make some downright foolish decisions. That’s why it’s important to keep your panties on this holiday season. Don’t start spreading your legs for every Tom, Dick and Horny you meet between now and the end of the year. It’s not going to land you a husband and will most assuredly land you an STD. You’re familiar with the old adage, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” I don’t like referring to any woman as a cow – although a few who have crossed me are deserving of the nomenclature – the point of the expression is what’s important. What guy is going to take a woman seriously if he can get what he wants without consequence?
The reality TV show, Survivor, is wrapping up its twenty-first season this Sunday with the Survivor: Nicaragua finale. As I write this, Chase, Sash, Fabio, Dan and Holly are still in the running. One woman against four men. If only dating odds were so good. This got me thinking that if a show like Survivor can last a decade on national network television and not run out of steam, I should be able to endure a decade of dating in Los Angeles. Alas, I am growing weary, but people love schadenfreude, so why not document how desperate my dating life is? Oh, right, that’s what I’m doing with my blog. Maybe I could start a new reality show called Date Survivor: Los Angeles.
Dating in Los Angeles is a lot like competing on Survivor. Both the reality show and the dating world are divided into tribes and each tribe is given a number of tools for survival. On the CBS show, these tools often include a machete, a pot and water canteens. With the L.A. dating scene, the tribes – male and female – are armed with cell phones, internet access, designer clothing, and credit cards. Survivor contestants build shelters with palm fronds and twigs, while L.A. daters take shelter behind online profiles and forage for financial, spiritual and emotional sustenance. On the TV show, players compete in challenges consisting of endurance, strength, agility, problem solving, teamwork, dexterity, and willpower. In Los Angeles, every date is a challenge, requiring the very same skill set as on the TV show:
Endurance – actively marketing oneself online without losing hope.
Strength – weeding through endless profiles and rejecting the ill-suited suitors.
Agility – steering a date to the restaurant of your choice and avoiding inappropriate advances.
Problem Solving – trying to figure out how to end the date quickly with one’s dignity intact.
Teamwork – having a girlfriend text you with an emergency so you have an excuse to leave.
Dexterity – texting while peeing (TWP) and freshening makeup as you report back to your tribe.
Willpower – getting out of bed the next day to tackle the next dating challenge.
Each week on Survivor, the torch is snuffed out and someone is voted off the island. In dating life, the losing contestant’s profile is blocked, his phone number is flagged “do not answer” and he is forever banished from the island of love. If you are ever on a date with me, and I blow out the tea light candle, consider it "the torch" and take it as a sign that things aren't going well.
When Jeff Probst runs out of ways to make his show interesting I hope he considers my idea. The possibilities are endless with Date Survivor: Los Angeles, Date Survivor: New York, and even Date Survivor: Seattle. It worked for Desperate Housewives. First came Marc Cherry’s TV series with Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross and Eva Longoria (who has her own little real life ‘survivor’ episode going on with hubby Tony Parker), and then came Real Housewives of Orange County, Real Housewives of New York City and so on. The big difference between Date Survivor: Los Angeles and Survivor is that only on the CBS show does one walk with a cash prize of $1,000,000 and a car, unless you have a real good divorce attorney – in which case you may also walk away with a house.
First impressions can be deceiving. I recently met a man online who was attractive, highly educated, in his early fifties and relatively successful. He seemed like an excellent dating candidate. We had two enjoyable phone conversations and agreed to meet for lunch. Shortly after the second call, I received this email. Needless to say, lunch was cancelled.
I am getting way ahead of myself and I'm not presuming this is going anywhere, but I thought I'd lay out a deal killer to save us both some time and agony. This is largely about relationships and intimacy. Other topics like complete honesty and trust can be dealt with later. I shouldn't focus in on the sex stuff, probably doesn't make a good first impression, but at least you know where I’m coming from.
First: I am a Vol not a Rat. Male Rats have random sex, generally only once with a partner and then move on to another female rat, having many partners. Vols find a single partner, have sex nonstop with that partner and bond for life. Now, I've slept with more than one woman and you are likely not a virgin, but my point is that even at this age, I take commitment and intimacy very seriously.
Second: I am 100% disease free and intend to stay that way. I have found herpes particularly prevalent and don't buy off on the Valtrex solution. Of course, there is much worse and many people don't even know they have something until they're tested. Worse, not all tests are foolproof so it's possible something doesn't get picked up unless there's an outbreak. So, before things really go anywhere, I insist my partner and I get blood tests and exchange the results. It's a bit personal, but so is having sex. If you have an STD, it's just not going to work. It doesn't make you a bad person and maybe it makes me a jerk but I've dealt with this issue more than once and if I don't address it up front it can get nasty.
Third: If and when a partner and I decide to be intimate, not to spoil the romance, but we talk a lot about it first. Understanding each other’s likes and dislikes, concerns, whatever and being comfortable about it makes it better. We just need to do it in a way that also gets us in the mood and not out of it. That said, I am slow to move toward intimacy. I have to really be sure, and be responsible about it, birth control, etc. I haven't gotten snipped yet because I'm not sure that I wouldn't want to try and start a family again. I know it's reversible, but I'd rather wait and know if I'm finished or not. If and when we both want to sleep with each other, we should be certain about it. As a Vol, I'm much more like a woman regarding sex. I enjoy the physical part only if there is a deep emotional connection. If I have that, I want sex all of the time, health permitting. I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. However, if we're not ready or the connection isn't there, I have no interest or desire for sex. Don't worry. I make up for that apathy when I'm into it :-). But if you don't have a similar drive, that will be a problem.
Finally, because this is going on too long, it will be AWESOME. Physical fitness is important to me and taking care of my partner emotionally and physically is a top priority. I am very comfortable with my sexuality as long as it isn't harmful or disrespectful to my partner. I can confidently say that my partner will never have been more satisfied and I know I am making a bold statement. Test me! :-)
All this said, I prefer the slow approach. If one is going to be responsible and really find a new level of intimacy, one has to approach it the right way. There's plenty of time for all of that, no need to rush. But if and when we get there, WATCH OUT!
I'm hoping we're both disease free but in this world you have to be extra careful. If I've upset or offended you I apologize. I don't mean to be an insensitive jerk.
With all sincerity,
Where to start with what’s wrong with sending an email like this to someone you have never met…first, (pardon me for assuming his writing style of numbering points), it might land in the hands of a blogger. Second, he should use spell-check and know how to spell vole, before classifying himself as one. This would be a particularly effective use of his time if he intends to use this as a form email and send it to other prospective dates who may appreciate proper grammar. Third, an email like this will never in a million years result in a date, so if you’re looking for opposite-sex repellant, this is it. Rats versus Voles. Really? Did this man admittedly liken his gender to rats and voles? Rat, vole, squirrel, chipmunk --- I don’t date any kind of rodent. I’m particularly fond of how he assumes that when we have sex - way, way, way down the long boring road of talking about it to death - we will be having unprotected sex, given he addresses blood tests, birth control and the fact that he has no intentions of getting snipped (rather irrelevant if condoms are in play). I am not talking the technicalities of sex with anyone ad nauseum. If he doesn’t know what a woman wants at his age (hint: not an email like this), then no amount of talking is going to remedy the situation. WATCH OUT, ladies! Mr. Vol is AWESOME in bed. He is physically fit. Translation: he's gonna bang you senseless for hours. Oh, yay! We all love that so much. Funny how he doesn’t mean to be an insensitive jerk, and yet…this guy is a RAT, if I ever saw one.