INTEGRITY in a Break up

A little over a year ago, I left a long-term relationship. I could have written a note. I could have sent an email. I could have left a post-it on the fridge. Instead, I wrote a three-page letter, which I read to him with tears streaming down my face as I explained how he had disappointed me, how he had not respected me, how he said I was his everything, yet treated me like I was nothing but a burden. By the end of the break-up conversation, it was a mutual agreement that we couldn’t go on. He could not/would not give me what I needed, and so I had to leave. We agreed to be friends and to be respectful of each other. Who knew what the future would hold? We might be back together a year down the road when circumstances were different. We even went for dinner, spent one final night together, and kissed each other good-bye the next morning.

At his insistence, I had made some pretty serious compromises in my life. I had given up my career. I had agreed to move to a rural town in Northern California and to give up my friends and my world to build a life with this man. If things didn’t work out, his life would be fine; mine would be a disaster. We had talked about marriage, but even after a lengthy relationship, he was in no hurry to remarry a fourth time—even to “the love of his life.” I asked him to provide me with some kind of financial consideration if things didn’t work out. He verbally agreed that if things didn’t work out and I left he would give me a certain (small) sum to help me get back on my feet; and, if he ended the relationship,  there would be one and a half times that (small) sum.

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What Not To Do After A Break Up

According to Neil Sedaka, breaking up is hard to do. Nobody said it was gonna be easy. A woman can make a break up even harder on herself by doing the wrong things instead of the right things.  Here are three things a woman should not do right after a break up and why:

Trash Your X On Facebook: Even if you are bitter, there is no point in telling all your friends and their friends how you feel. Talking trash about your X may feel good, but it will only make you look bad, and it may alienate the people close to you. Instead, write it all out in a letter. Vent until your heart is content. Mail yourself the letter, and keep it unopened for a month. After a month, open it. You will see the progress you made and be glad you didn’t share those thoughts with your friends, family and co-workers. Then you can take a match to the letter and burn it along with those bad memories.

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Inactivated, Not Deleted.

Last night, I caught myself as I often do, thinking of a past love. We took “a break” to sort out some things in our lives, to decide if we were each willing to make the commitment and sacrifices needed to spend the rest of our lives together. Our relationship was such that if I cried, he hurt; if he hurt, I cried. When we touched, there was no separation between us. Like a warm bath so perfect in temperature, it was impossible to tell where my skin stopped and his began. 

I think about him often and he thinks about me, because we are intertwined in heart and head and thought. Our lives goes on. Together but apart. Apart but together. Our love never died. We severed it with a knife.  Like cutting an earthworm in half, now there are simply two of us – apart instead of together. Maybe one day we will be reunited. Maybe not. Probably not.

When I stumbled upon a blog entitled “So I inactivate you”, it brought tears to my eyes. I inactivated my love for someone. It has not been deleted. It is not dead. The embers are warm and need only a spark to be ignited again. I don't know if this entry will reach it’s intended audience. All I know, is that as effective as I can be with the written word, I could never express my feelings more eloquently than they were expressed by a stranger in this blog I share with you: "So I inactivate you".