So Long, And Thanks For The Fish

I am not your chauffeur. I am not your personal assistant. I am not your event coordinator. If you want me to be all that, then you damn well better marry me first. I say this having recently been on a date with a very upscale man from New York who expected me to be all those things and more in a first date. A man who was raised on the Upper East Side. A man who went to private school and Harvard. A man whose family has substantial real estate holdings in the city of Manhattan. You understand what I'm saying. This guy was no slouch. And yet...

Evidently, he viewed our date as his own personal guided tour of Los Angeles. Prior to arriving, he asked me to suggest a few cultural events we could possibly attend. Culture, in Los Angeles? The current play at The Geffen Theatre is called The Escort. Need I say more? Even if there was a modicum of culture in this superficial city, I do not think that staring at art or watching a play is an appropriate first date. Aren't first dates about getting to know one another? Isn't communication a key factor? And isn't that best done over lunch, dinner, drinks or even a walk in the park—and not while staring at the stark walls of a museum where one is shh'd when they speak above a whisper. 

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WTF is with DTF?

I love the show Californication. It epitomizes the male perspective on dating in Los Angeles, which can be summed up with not one word, but three letters: DTF

Incase you’re not amongst the hip Showtime viewer demographic, the acronym DTF means down to fuck and is tossed about all too casually by Californication’s Hank Moody and his chunky, bald sidekick/agent, Charlie Runkle, whose only true objectives in life are: a) to make money and b) to get their rocks off—not that there’s anything wrong with either of those objectives, but I think the point of David Duchovny’s character is that he’s supposed to be a pathetic caricature of the Los Angeles male, not an idol. 

There is something wrong with society when a man’s primary concern is whether a woman is DTF.  She’s totally DTF. Is she DTF? Those two girls—DTF? 

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Ooh, Baby Baby...Baby Baby

Salt and Pepa’s here, and we’re in effect. Want you to push it baby. Push it good.  P-Push it real good—as long as it’s not a baby stroller, you’re pushing.

Sandra Bullock kicked Jesse's ass to the curb when she caught him cheating with not one but several side dishes, and proceeded with her plans to adopt baby Louis anyway. This was initially a commitment she was going to make with her then husband.  Celebrity women such as Sandra Bullock and Madonna have oodles of dough and can afford to adopt. They can afford a nanny (or two) along with their bodyguards, personal assistants, and countless other staff. Brad and Angie have a basketball team of nannies for their Brady Bunch of six. For the average single woman, such as myself, adopting a child is a luxury one can ill-afford. 

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Hamm Sandwich, Anyone?

Photo Courtesy of Luck The LadyHaving a rotating booty-call door with interchangeable women coming and going is standard fare for men in Los Angeles. Often these men will have two women at once, hence my term Ham Sandwich one arrogant jerk sandwiched between two desperate women smeared in a little mayo. Did I just cross the appropriate versus inappropriate visual line?

This type of guy is illustrated brilliantly by Jon Hamm in Judd Apatow's new comedy hit Bridesmaids. Hamm plays Ted, the fuck buddy of Annie (Kristen Wiig), a woman of low self-esteem who is down on her luck in love and life. Ted not only treats Annie like trash, but would actually expect her to take out the trash (including the used condoms) when she leaves which is never the next morning, because men like Ted don't do sleepovers. For men like Hamm's character, women are there to perform a service then leave and are treated with about as much regard as a piece of Kleenex used to wrap up a soiled condom. When Annie calls Ted on his shit after he expects her to give a blowjob while he's driving his Porsche, he yells you're no longer my number three. This is news to her, as she never knew there was a number one or two.

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3 Male Myths About Hot Women

Here’s a little secret that I want to share with you men out there- hot, sophisticated women, particularly in their 30s and 40s, don’t get hit on as much as you think.  In this video, I'll explain three male myths about hot women and why it's actually a great idea to approach a hot women if you see her sitting alone at a restaurant having dinner.  

Myth #1: Men assume hot women are not single or there's something wrong with them. Not True. Surprisingly there are a tremendous number of hot, single women out there with nothing wrong except that they work and have little time to socialize and meet men. If she's single, it may be she's just waiting for a great guy like you!

Myth #2: Men assume she wants someone equally hot and that they're not in her league. Not True. Men are visual creatures and they check out women's body, but it doesn't mean that women evaluate men the same way. You might think she’s looking for a millionaire with a body like a guy on the cover of Muscle & Fitness, but chances are she's just looking for a great guy.

Myth # 3: Men assume that attractive women are all bitches, because they get hit on all the time. Not True. Attractive women don't get hit on as much as you'd think, because men make these assumptions and don't approach them. And often these women are approached by the sleazy guys they don't want to attract, because they're the only ones with the cohones to hit on them. It doesn’t mean she’s a bitch, just because she’s attractive. There are a lot of attractive women who are really modest about their looks. Plus since they really aren't being hit on all the time, they’re not going to be bitchy. They’re going to be flattered.

In conclusion, you should definitely approach hot women. If a hot woman may seem reserved, it's likely because she's been approached in a sleazy, sexual way so many times that she has some defenses up. Be a gentleman, talk to her like she's a person not a sex object, and she's be impressed. This is where you can benefit from other men's mistakes. 

F*ck the F*ck Buddy

I read an article a while back on Dirty In Public, about fuck buddies. The girl was in fuck buddy hell and wished she could have a life do-over and return him to friend status. I know the feeling.

Several years ago I made the mistake of having sex with a good friend of mine. Why? I dunno. I knew he wanted me, and I used to kind of get off on giving a guy something he didn't deserve namely my body. Somehow I viewed this as a power thing. In retrospect, it was the opposite and is no longer a practice to which I subscribe.

Needless to say, once we fucked well, actually it was a lot less than fucking, more of a disappointing (to me) hand job (for him) our relationship was awkward. Whenever we saw each other after that he was seriously DTF and I was seriously not interested. Let s just say I had taken the Ferrari around the block and was unimpressed by the throttle and the run flat tires. I had to sever ties with my friend, because he was pretty much only interested in being my fuck buddy, and I was pretty much only interested in NOT being his fuck buddy.

Years went by. I never called him. He never called me. It was over. Whew. But, I had lost a good friend or so I had thought a good friend. If he truly was a good friend he would have put his shattered male ego aside and his penis back in his pants and dialed it back to friend status right away. Recently, said friend reappeared in my life and now I am faced with keeping him at arms length again, because I get the distinct feeling that he is still DTF. And I am still not.

Marrie from Dirty In Public asks the question, Can a fuck buddy be demoted to just buddy? I say no. At least not without a long term break in the relationship. I am still constantly watching my back with this friend turned almost fuck buddy turned not friend turned friend again 7 years later.

I had a lot of fuck buddies back then, or at least that's what I thought they were. I know now they were just horny guys looking to get their rocks off and I was an easy, low self-esteem target. I say fuck the fuck buddy. It never works out, and the woman ultimately feels taken advantage of unless of course, the fuck buddy is buying her dinner, taking her to the movies and treating her like a girlfriend, in which case he really isn't a fuck buddy then, is he?