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Welcome to my blog on dating in Los Angeles.  I hope you find my real life stories and anecdotes on being smart, sexy and single in the City of Angels as amusing (and tragic) as I do.  If you enjoy reading my posts, please share this blog site with your friends, family, loved ones, and less loved ones.  

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Entries in Dating in Los Angeles (44)

Saturday
Nov272010

Rat vs. Vol(e)

First impressions can be deceiving.  I recently met a man online who was attractive, highly educated, in his early fifties and relatively successful.  He seemed like an excellent dating candidate.  We had two enjoyable phone conversations and agreed to meet for lunch.  Shortly after the second call, I received this email.  Needless to say, lunch was cancelled.

Dear Lennie

I am getting way ahead of myself and I'm not presuming this is going anywhere, but I thought I'd lay out a deal killer to save us both some time and agony. This is largely about relationships and intimacy.  Other topics like complete honesty and trust can be dealt with later. I shouldn't focus in on the sex stuff, probably doesn't make a good first impression, but at least you know where I’m coming from.

First: I am a Vol not a Rat. Male Rats have random sex, generally only once with a partner and then move on to another female rat, having many partners. Vols find a single partner, have sex nonstop with that partner and bond for life.  Now, I've slept with more than one woman and you are likely not a virgin, but my point is that even at this age, I take commitment and intimacy very seriously. 

Second:  I am 100% disease free and intend to stay that way. I have found herpes particularly prevalent and don't buy off on the Valtrex solution. Of course, there is much worse and many people don't even know they have something until they're tested.  Worse, not all tests are foolproof so it's possible something doesn't get picked up unless there's an outbreak.  So, before things really go anywhere, I insist my partner and I get blood tests and exchange the results.  It's a bit personal, but so is having sex.  If you have an STD, it's just not going to work.  It doesn't make you a bad person and maybe it makes me a jerk but I've dealt with this issue more than once and if I don't address it up front it can get nasty.

Third:  If and when a partner and I decide to be intimate, not to spoil the romance, but we talk a lot about it first. Understanding each other’s likes and dislikes, concerns, whatever and being comfortable about it makes it better. We just need to do it in a way that also gets us in the mood and not out of it.  That said, I am slow to move toward intimacy.  I have to really be sure, and be responsible about it, birth control, etc. I haven't gotten snipped yet because I'm not sure that I wouldn't want to try and start a family again.  I know it's reversible, but I'd rather wait and know if I'm finished or not.  If and when we both want to sleep with each other, we should be certain about it.  As a Vol, I'm much more like a woman regarding sex.  I enjoy the physical part only if there is a deep emotional connection. If I have that, I want sex all of the time, health permitting.  I have a very strong and healthy sex drive. However, if we're not ready or the connection isn't there, I have no interest or desire for sex.  Don't worry.  I make up for that apathy when I'm into it :-).  But if you don't have a similar drive, that will be a problem.

Finally, because this is going on too long, it will be AWESOME.  Physical fitness is important to me and taking care of my partner emotionally and physically is a top priority.  I am very comfortable with my sexuality as long as it isn't harmful or disrespectful to my partner.  I can confidently say that my partner will never have been more satisfied and I know I am making a bold statement.  Test me! :-)

All this said, I prefer the slow approach.  If one is going to be responsible and really find a new level of intimacy, one has to approach it the right way.  There's plenty of time for all of that, no need to rush.  But if and when we get there, WATCH OUT! 

I'm hoping we're both disease free but in this world you have to be extra careful.  If I've upset or offended you I apologize.  I don't mean to be an insensitive jerk.

With all sincerity,

(the Vol)

Where to start with what’s wrong with sending an email like this to someone you have never met…first, (pardon me for assuming his writing style of numbering points), it might land in the hands of a blogger.  Second, he should use spell-check and know how to spell vole, before classifying himself as one.  This would be a particularly effective use of his time if he intends to use this as a form email and send it to other prospective dates who may appreciate proper grammar.  Third, an email like this will never in a million years result in a date, so if you’re looking for opposite-sex repellant, this is it.  Rats versus Voles.  Really?  Did this man admittedly liken his gender to rats and voles?  Rat, vole, squirrel, chipmunk --- I don’t date any kind of rodent.  I’m particularly fond of how he assumes that when we have sex - way, way, way down the long boring road of talking about it to death - we will be having unprotected sex, given he addresses blood tests, birth control and the fact that he has no intentions of getting snipped (rather irrelevant if condoms are in play).  I am not talking the technicalities of sex with anyone ad nauseum.  If he doesn’t know what a woman wants at his age (hint: not an email like this), then no amount of talking is going to remedy the situation.  WATCH OUT, ladies!  Mr. Vol is AWESOME in bed.  He is physically fit.  Translation: he's gonna bang you senseless for hours. Oh, yay!  We all love that so much.  Funny how he doesn’t mean to be an insensitive jerk, and yet…this guy is a RAT, if I ever saw one.

Monday
Nov152010

LOL… WTF?!?

 

One of the many “personalized” dating services I belong to recently introduced me to a man who owns a well-known luxury resort and spa in Northern California’s wine country. That sounded promising – until I actually spoke with him.  He had an annoying, squeaky voice and was too busy laughing out loud at his endless lame jokes to listen to anything I had to say.  Clearly, his self-aggrandizing monologue was far more important than anything I could contribute to the conversation.  So, I sat back and listened to him brag about what great shape he was in and what a happy-go-lucky person he was.  He kept saying he was a really confident guy, a sure sign of being the exact opposite.  In Hamlet, Queen Gertrude says, “the lady doth protest too much,” which means overstating one’s attributes diminishes ones credibility. I wonder how confident he would be if someone told him he wasn’t laugh out loud funny. 

Mr. Confidence invited me to spend a weekend at his resort. He would fly me up, arrange for my accommodations, and since he was out to impress me with all his trappings, throw a spa day into the mix.  After receiving a few more boastful calls, I decided to reply by text to avoid talking to him.  I was finding his über-positive, glass half full, I’m so funny personality irritating and was becoming less and less interested in meeting him.  Then, I received this text:

It’s gonna b gr8.  But any wkend is a gr8 wkend in wine country…ha ha!  U'll want 2 stay as long as u can...LOL ;-) 

It’s bad enough people use all sorts of not-so-short abbreviations when texting, like gr8 which only saves two letters and a millisecond of time, but isn’t it up to the recipient to decide whether or not a text is “laugh out loud” funny?

He continued:  Do u ever call sum1… and talk on the phone, or do 1’s and 0’s do it 4 u?  lol…

1’s and 0’s? As far as I know, I wasn’t using the binary numeral system; I was simply texting. Sure the binary system is used by all modern computers, a cell phone being a computer, but is that really laugh out loud funny? I’m sure as hell not ROTFLMAO. Rule #567 about texting: never author a joke and follow it with LOL. That is the equivalent of a sitcom writing indicating in parentheses (applause) or (laughter), and unless you are a sitcom writer, you shouldn’t be cueing your audience.

Don’t forget 2 bring ur bathing suit, he texted.  I’m sure u don’t go anywhere w/o one.  LOL 

There it was again, the dreaded LOL (groan).  It was October, and I wondered where I was expected to go swimming.  Awesum hot tubs @ the resort, he continued, clearly wanting to get me as near to naked as possible on our first date weekend. It was about then that I decided to cancel our little rendezvous, blaming it on my hectic schedule when in fact, I just felt zero connection and knew meeting him would be a big waste of time. I could buy my own spa weekend, thank you very much!  I desperately wanted to cancel by text to eschew confrontation – and the sound of his grating, arrogant voice – but being a stickler for proper etiquette, I called him.  Thank God, I got his voicemail and was able to take the easy way out.  Moments later, I received a barrage of nasty texts in full, unabbreviated sentences. Apparently, he could write a proper English sentence when provoked. His attack included reference to my age, my being single and my having an over-inflated self-image.  I wonder if Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” was also playing on the stereo where he was at the time. I should introduce him to Skip; they’d make a great pair.  Seems to be a theme that these ersatz confident men are threatened by confident women. Clearly, the confident man scenario was as thin as the veneers on his teeth.  It’s a good thing I have a “personalized” dating service working for me. I’d be hard-pressed to find a winner like this guy on my own.  

 

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