INTEGRITY in a Break up

A little over a year ago, I left a long-term relationship. I could have written a note. I could have sent an email. I could have left a post-it on the fridge. Instead, I wrote a three-page letter, which I read to him with tears streaming down my face as I explained how he had disappointed me, how he had not respected me, how he said I was his everything, yet treated me like I was nothing but a burden. By the end of the break-up conversation, it was a mutual agreement that we couldn’t go on. He could not/would not give me what I needed, and so I had to leave. We agreed to be friends and to be respectful of each other. Who knew what the future would hold? We might be back together a year down the road when circumstances were different. We even went for dinner, spent one final night together, and kissed each other good-bye the next morning.

At his insistence, I had made some pretty serious compromises in my life. I had given up my career. I had agreed to move to a rural town in Northern California and to give up my friends and my world to build a life with this man. If things didn’t work out, his life would be fine; mine would be a disaster. We had talked about marriage, but even after a lengthy relationship, he was in no hurry to remarry a fourth time—even to “the love of his life.” I asked him to provide me with some kind of financial consideration if things didn’t work out. He verbally agreed that if things didn’t work out and I left he would give me a certain (small) sum to help me get back on my feet; and, if he ended the relationship,  there would be one and a half times that (small) sum.

Click to read more ...

It’s Complicated

Or, is it? There’s nothing complicated about relationships that work. They’re filled with love, respect, trust, sugar and spice and everything nice that makes you happy to be in a relationship. If your relationship status on Facebook says “It’s Complicated” it’s really pretty easy. It means you have a shitty boyfriend or that you’re dating someone who’s married—which, by the way, means you have a shitty boyfriend, because he’s someone else’s spouse and he isn’t respecting either of you by dipping his proverbial toe (or other body part) in more than one swimming hole. 

Spare yourself the indignity, and move on. Uncomplicate your life and in doing so you will know whether the man you left behind has any integrity. Either he will stay in his complicated mess of a life and you will be free of the anxiety, humiliation, and emotional strain it is causing you, or he will get his act together, clean up his life and come after you in at full-throttle speed. It’s like I said in my blog Lord of the Engagement Ring. It comes down to the cow/free milk analogy. Especially if he’s already paying full-freight on some other cow!

Click to read more ...

Excess Baggage

I once dated a man who traveled more than George Clooney's character in Up In The Air. He basically lived in seat 2b on American Airlines. A card-carrying member of the five million mile club, he knew every flight attendant by name and had the privilege of getting on any flight at any time, even if it meant bumping someone else off. A few years with him, and I became an expert traveler myself, able to breeze through TSA screening in record time, compressing everything I needed for up to a week into one Tumi carry-on (they make the largest permissible carry-on) and one personal item—a large Chanel tote that set me back five times the price of the Tumi case. The Chanel tote was big enough to accommodate a 17-inch MacBook Pro, a change of clothes, a pair of shoes, a broad array of reading material, and my TSA approved 3oz toiletries.

Click to read more ...

Going The Distance

A friend of mine met her husband when she was traveling in the South of France. A few days later, she was introduced to his family and shortly thereafter she entered into a long distance relationship with him. Within a year, he had applied for a work visa and moved to Los Angeles. They have been together seven years and tied the knot three years ago. While her husband applies for permanent citizenship, she is becoming fluent in French, and they are planning on starting a family. Had my friend not ventured out of her comfort zone in both traveling and dating, she may still be single. I asked if either of them were concerned when they met about the distance and how it would impact their lives. Hell, yes. They knew there would be obstacles, but they would work them out. They could not ignore how perfect they were for each other and were willing to take the risk of having loved and lost than never having loved at all. Embracing love outside their immediate geographic zone worked for them and it has worked for others.

Click to read more ...